Forgive Yourself
by mythmichelle
Summary: After 10 years can Leigh finally start to forgive herself for falling in love again? Join the journey of Min Leigh, as she starts to find herself again, her biggest source of strength is her new husband, Min Yoon-Gi and their family.
1. Chapter 1

Sometimes I find myself pondering the things that have happened over the last few years that has brought me to this point in my life. A small smile plays on my lips as I watch my family and closest friends gathered in the backyard, celebrating my youngest graduating from college today. A small tear wells in my eye as I think of all the changes and challenges my girls have been through since that fateful day back in early 2020, the event that rocked us all to the core, but also brought us to the place we are now. I close my eyes, letting out a deep sigh. As the tear begins to roll down my cheek, I feel a chilly finger quickly, but lightly, wipe it away. My smile widens just a bit as I open my eyes, his face just inches from mine.

"I should have known," I say quietly. His eyes, searching mine, brighten a bit as he places his forehead to mine. "Yes, you should have. I know you, I know your thoughts will linger on the accident as we go through another milestone." I look down, feeling happy, sad, ashamed and irritated all at once. I close my eyes tight as thoughts of betrayal enter my mind, another tear escaping my eyes. I feel him take both my hands into his own. "My darling woman, do you think I don't know that war that is raging inside your head right now?" Guilt creeps in, guilt for loving another, guilt for letting myself feel guilty for that love. I feel a hand move from mine to my chin, lifting it ever so slightly and again wiping the tear from my cheek. "It's alright. Come, let's join the others. We'll talk this out tonight." I open my eyes to find the most patient face, the face that literally carried me through the hardships of the last ten years and reminds me every day to live. Not just to live, but that I am allowed to live, to be happy, to be loved. Taking I deep breath, I let him pull me toward our family.

"Leigh, Yoon-Gi-hyung," we hear Jimin say as we get closer. "Am I allowed to take Rose-ya to the noraebang after the gathering?" I watch as Jimin's eyes get wide with excitement and Rose trying to hide her longing to go. At the sound of noraebang, I see Jungkook's head whip around and hear my sister sigh. "Norabang, Jimin-ssi? Really? Were you not going to invite Marie and I to join you? What about Taehyung and Sidda?" Yoon-Gi smiles at them both. I snicker as Tae walks up to Jimin, fake tears welling in his eyes. "I see how it is, Kook and I get married and now we are not allowed to do norabang with you anymore? Is that how it is, hyung?" Jimin's face falls just a bit and is about to answer when Yoon-Gi steps in,

"Jimin, did you ask Rose if she wanted to go anywhere tonight? It's been a long day…" All eyes turn to my youngest daughter, this gathering to celebrate her graduating from Seoul National University. As expected, she quickly looks down and says quietly, "Yoon-Gi, Momma, I would love to spend time with Jimin. We've all been so busy, and I've really missed my…. brother." Jimin's eyes light up at the word brother, and I see Yoon-Gi's face soften.

"Then I guess she can go, as long as her mother says it's ok." I laugh. "Yoon-Gi, my child is 22 years old. Of course, she can go. All I ask is you keep her safe." Jimin and Rose exchange a smile. I am so grateful for the bond they share, that he was able to calm her fears as a child.…when I couldn't. Jungkook and Tae are quickly talking their spouses into joining them for a night out.

"Tae, I don't know. I haven't been feeling well," Sidda says sadly. "You go have fun, I think I'll just take a rest here at Mom's for awhile, then we can head home later." My eyebrows furrow as I look at my oldest daughter…. she must have felt my eyes on her because her eyes snap into mine. "I'm fine, Mom. Probably just overworked honestly. The international students are a tough batch this year." I let the matter drop for the moment, but they were only a few months out from their wedding…

We all settle into the dinner Yoon-Gi, Seok-jin and I prepared. I lose myself in conversations with my friends and family who made the trip from the states, them updating me on all the different things going on back in the place of my birth. I cannot call it home anymore, since home has been here for such a long time. Throughout dinner, when I find my thoughts wondering, I feel the smallest bit of pressure in my hand or on my shoulder. The feeling of these touches is so familiar that I don't even need to check to see who is doing it. After 5 years of marriage and 10 years of being such a wonderful friend, you get used to the presence.

As the night winds down, people start to leave, either to their homes in Seoul or to their hotels rooms for those who traveled from out of town. Yoon-Gi and I stand together close to the outside bar so not to miss anyone who leaves. As we are standing there, I feel the gaze of Nam-joon, Seok-Jin and Ho-Seok. They know just as well as Yoon-Gi how much days like this get to me. They are sitting close together talking with Mary, my children's grandmother from their father's side. I am so grateful for the pressure of Yoon-Gi's hand in mine as we stand shoulder to shoulder.

"Well," Nam-joon says, stretching and coming to stand with Yoon-Gi and I. "I need to get home. Sonna was about to nap with the twins when I called her prior to dinner, but I'd like to be there to help when they all wake." He hugs Yoon-Gi and moves to look at me. He gets that look in his eyes, the one where he knows I am on the edge. Having such a face reader as a best friend really makes hiding my true feelings extremely difficult. He pulls me into a tight hug, awkwardly, as Yoon-Gi will not let go of my hand, and whispers in my ear, "Don't do this to yourself. You deserve to be happy. Kayden would have wanted this for you and your girls." I gulp as he pulls away, looking down ad my hand intertwined with Yoon-Gi's. I see Nam-joon shoot Yoon-Gi a meaningful glance. I feel he'll be messaging Yoon-Gi in a few hours to be sure everything is ok. "I love you both." He turns to say goodbye to everyone else and quickly dips out the back gate.

Yoon-Gi loosens his grip on my hand a bit, so I take advantage to quickly pull away and start clearing the dishes to be washed. As soon as I do, Ho-Seok comes to my side. "This was a wonderful dinner, my friend. Thank you for always including me in your family gatherings." I smile as he starts to help me pile the dishes. "You are my family, Hobi. You are my sunshine," I say. "How is Yu-ri and your children? Are they having fun in the Philippines?" We walk the first round of dishes inside to the counter next to the sink. "Oh, they are doing fine. I spoke with them right before the ceremony. They were going to have dinner and try to turn in early, so they can explore more tomorrow." As we walk out to gather more dishes, we see everyone else who is still here has started to help clear up as well. "When do you leave to meet with them? You will be gone, what, two weeks?" Yoon-Gi then scares me with a back hug, but refuses to let go as Hobi answers, a huge smile across his beautiful face, "I leave at 8 in the morning. Yes, two weeks we are spending there. I have Jimin and Jin checking the house while I am gone. I thought about asking Nam-joon, but I fear everything will be broken." I feel silent laughter at my back and lean my head back into Yoon-Gi's chest, letting my eyes close and my heart fly for just a minute.

He knows what he is doing, of course. He knows that is the best way to calm my heart, my nerves, my pain. I sigh, turning to hug him properly, and say, "Yoon-Gi, come on, let's help clean up and kick everyone out. I'm tired." He buries his head into my hair and says, "Let them clean it up. Let's go for a walk. You know they will not mind, considering how much you do for them all." He doesn't let me answer, but instead clears his throat. Everyone stops what they around doing and looks around to us. "Leigh and I are going to go on a walk, if that is ok with everyone?" I look around and see everyone smiling. We are greeted with many, "Of course, we'll clean up." "You guys cooked, we'll clean it up." "Go, get some air." There is one comment from Jungkook, "I see how it is, Min Yoon-Gi, anything to get out of cleaning." Yoon-Gi just flips him off and they exchange a smile.

As Yoon-Gi pulls me to the back gate, I turn to see my three girls coming up to me. Sidda hugs me and says, "Momma, go clear your head. It's been a long day." Nova smiles and ducks under Sidda's arm to join in the hug, "Yea, Mom. Though, I don't know who we're kidding, Mom will never let people take care of her. She's steel." Rose, the youngest, works her way into the hug and says, "Thank you, Momma. This was the best day. Just, thank you, for everything." I hug them with all that I have and kiss each of their cheeks, the only part of their faces I can reach since they all out grew me when they reached high school. I start to let go, tears falling silently, when they all tighten their grip. "Momma," Sidda says in a serious tone. "Daddy would have been so proud of us all. Please try to remember to think of him fondly, not sadly. We all miss him." I nod, and they let me go. "We love you, Momma!" they yell. At that point, everyone starts joining in.

I smile as Yoon-Gi waves his hand, "Shush everyone, we have neighbors, you know!" They all laugh as I am pulled from the yard. We walk, Yoon-Gi matching his pace to mine, I am embarrassed for being upset and, once again, feeling guilty for the mess this man has been helping me clean-up for the last ten years.


	2. Chapter 2

"Stop that," I hear, sharply, this time in Korean. He normally will speak a mix of English and Korean with me, but always reverts to Korean when he gets irritated. I hang my head. "I'm sorry, you deserve so much more. You deserve someone who can love you properly. With everything they have." He stops, turning me around to face him. He backs me up to the wall of our favorite coffee shop, one hand in mine, the other against the wall. His patience is unmatched, waiting for me to look at him before speaking. I reluctantly look into his eyes. He cocks his head to the left and says, again in Korean, "You do love me with all you have. Everyday. If you didn't you would not feel the guilt you do for your late husband. You are allowed to have a love for him, to love your life with him, and to love me and our life together. You can do it at the same time too. I know it's hard and you feel like you are betraying both of us, but, in all honesty, you are too hard on yourself. Kayden did not expect you to be alone, to be a spinster."

It takes me a minute because sometimes his words get muddled, and he'll speak in informal Korean, which I am not as familiar with. "Yoon-Gi," I start, closing my eyes. Sometimes it is hard to think clearly when he is so close since I have been fighting with myself about my true feelings for him the initial butterflies still rise. I hear a small growl.

"No." He reaches for my pocket. I know what he is doing — the letter that I carry everywhere. The past I cannot release. "Read it," he says, pulling the old paper roughly out of my pocket. "Read it again. Maybe one day we can burn it like you once said you wanted to." I hate it when he gets so upset over this, but at the same time anger flares as he is so rough with the ten-year-old paper. I feel my eyes narrow, and I know they flashed as the anger comes and goes quickly, but he saw. He smiles slightly, "Get mad at me, get mad at everything. Just read it. Tell me what it says," he says softly. He is much gentler as he unfolds the worn piece of paper.

I take it gently. I see the final letters of my first husband — the last words to me, to our children. I speak in barely a whisper, not even really needing to read the words, them all being etched into my brain, my heart. These words shattered my soul.

Baby,

I know you will not completely understand. I know that you will blame yourself and will never let this go. I know the pain of losing me will make a lasting effect on you and our girls. But, I also know you will all be ok. You are the strongest person I know. You are the best person I know. Our girls are all so much like you, so strong, so smart and amazing. I love you all more than you will ever know.

I just cannot do it anymore. You have been the best support for me over the last 18 years. You showed me how to love, taught me that I am worthy of love. You have loved me through all my shit, you never faltered and has been the best thing that ever happened to me. You sacrificed your body and almost died to give me children — three of the most beautiful and amazing people on this planet.

You have always been able to carry me through the fire, but after finding out about the cancer, I refuse to make you carry me through that as well. With how advanced it is, even with all your connections in the medical community, I will die. You and our children will watch me suffer, wither and I refuse to do it. I must do this on my terms. I know it is not fair. I hear all your words echoing in my brain as if you are here. You have been the voice of my conscious for so long.

What is going to be the hardest is when I come to see you. I will give you one of my biggest hugs, and you'll be confused. I'll give you one last kiss, the ones that still make our heads spin. You'll smile your mischievous smile.

Please forgive me. Please understand why I am doing this. Please know that even though you will be in pain for a while, I am doing this is to prevent more extensive pain in the future. The pain of watching me die. The pain of knowing you cannot do anything.

Take care of the girls. Grieve me, love me, remember me, but MOVE ON. You are so beautiful, smart, funny and loving. I know there is someone else out there for you. Find someone who will take care of your for once. Find someone to love our girls as their own, who will love you as much as I do. Do not give up. Do not check out.

I love you so much, my sugar biscuit. You and the girls are my world. Carry on and always remember your love saved me. Take it to save the world. Or, at least, someone else's world.

Kayden

I sigh as I look at his signature. He had horrible handwriting. I smile lightly, brushing my fingers over the worn paper — tears flowing freely, almost silently. I feel a hand on my waist and stiffen. Being lost in the past, I am quickly snapped back to the present. I raise my head and look at his face. I am always afraid he'll be angry each time I must do this. But he never is. The desire to take care of me, the love he has for my broken soul, it never ceases to amaze me.

"Leigh. I know you still love Kayden. But I also know you love me, and you feel guilt for loving me, for trying to move on. Like I told you years ago, I don't care. I love you, your faults and all. I will spend my whole life mending your broken pieces with gold. There is nothing wrong with loving me and still loving him. It's normal, it's natural," his voice is just above a whisper, telling me the words he tells me over and over. I gently fold the letter back up and place it back in my pocket. His eyes get big as he watches me do so. "That is the fastest you have ever done that. Are you finally starting to forgive yourself?" I smile shrug and lightly tough his cheek. "What can I say, you are growing on me. Maybe that gold is working." He wipes my tears with the sleeve of his jacket and lightly kisses my lips. I allow it, lightly returning the kiss. He takes my hands again and pulls me toward the coffee shop. Ug, he knows my weaknesses so well.

"Yoon-Gi, I look a mess," I protest, pulling back on his hand. "You look beautiful. Plus, Bora doesn't care, she loves us." I follow him into the small coffee shop. As soon as the bell rings a little, wrinkled lady looks up from her newspaper. Her face lights up, and she says, "Yoon-Gi! Leigh! I was beginning to think you had forgotten where I was, even though I am so very, very close to your home." I smile, I love this woman. Her kind soul was a breath of fresh air to me when I first moved to Seoul six years ago. Being a widow and falling in love again herself, she was my main source of advice.

"Auntie, silly, we invited you to Rose's graduation dinner tonight just two days ago," I say, as she fiddles around making our favorite drinks.

"Two days is too long at my age, my dear," she says, smiling. She takes a long look at my face, I quickly look down, but Bora knows me too well. Yoon-Gi speaks in quick Korean dialect to her, on purpose so I cannot keep up. I quickly look up and slap his arm. "Stop that! Don't talk about me where I cannot understand." He smiles evilly and exchanges a glance with Bona. "Told you that would work." They both laugh at the look on my face. I can't help but smile at their efforts to cheer me up. "Y'all are too mean to me," I say, bringing some of my southern states accent into the mix. This makes Yoon-Gi smile even bigger because he loves my natural accent. I hide it as much as possible, but it's nice to let me guard down sometimes.

"Okay, okay. You two sit and enjoy your drinks," Bona says, turning back to her newspaper. She never wants us to pay, so Yoon-Gi slips a note under the ancient cash register. We gather our drinks and make our way to our spot in the back, a small, oblong table with a small couch, just enough room for two. We nod and bow to the other customers as we pass, most of which are neighbors from the area. I never thought the days would come where we could live without gates and guards, without someone following our every foot step, like we still have to in the states. It's amazing how respectful the Korean Army is, living this way would never be possible in the states with Yoon-Gi's fame. Yoon-Gi sits first, getting himself comfortable as if we were at our house, I snicker and settle in close to his side.

As we sip our drinks, I lean more into his shoulder. I finish my drink and sit the cup down. I lean back and start fidgeting with the zipper on my jacket. Yoon-Gi also sits down his cup. "Tell me the past," he says. I pause. "What do you mean?" He's never asked me to actually talk about my past. He knows it, but he's never requested I tell him the stories. He starts playing with my hair, his long fingers brushing through my slight curls. "I've never heard the past in your words. Not your past with Kayden anyway. Your past before you met him, yes, but not those 18 years. I've heard the stories from the children, from the family and friends, but not you."

I close my eyes, his fingers still lightly pulling through my hair. "I didn't think you'd want to hear that from me. About a time your wife was married to another man, from her perspective."

"I'd love to hear about your first love. I could not think of anyone better to tell me about the love you had before I was lucky enough to experience it."

"I think I can do that for you. Where do you want me to begin?" I ask, leaning into his chest and stretching one leg out the length of the couch. "Tell me about when you first met him. Then go from there. Go where ever the words take you," he suggests. "I love to hear you tell stories."

"Ok," I smile, but am also a bit nervous.


	3. Chapter 3

"I met Kayden when I was just fifteen. I got my first job at a national burger shop. He worked there with a bunch of his friends. I had a crush on one of his friends, Travis. We even dated for a few months." I pause and close my eyes. "Fifteen? How old was Kayden? 19?" Yoon-Gi asks. I nod. "Yes. He told Travis and his girlfriend at the time, Dawn, that he would end up marrying me. I guess he was taken with me. After I quit working at that job, I didn't see him for a few years. I had gotten a job at another burger place, this time with waitresses. I did everything in that store. Cooking, prepping, cleaning, waiting tables."

"Wait a minute. Were you a waitress? Why did you not tell me this part? Are there pictures?" Yoon-Gi says excitedly. I open my eyes and look up at him. "No, Min Yoon-Gi, there are not pictures of my 17/18-year-old self-waiting tables. You are so silly sometimes." He just keeps smiling and gestures for me to continue. I roll my eyes.

"I had just turned 18 when Kayden came back into my life. Travis started working at the same restaurant. While waiting for Travis to get off work one day, Kayden decided to get food. During that time, he asked me out. I was a senior in high school, and Prom was coming up. I didn't have the patience for the guys at my school, so I turned down everyone, so I told him he could take me to Prom if he wanted to. We also made plans to go to a tattoo convention a few towns over that next weekend. It was only a month from my 18th birthday, and I already had three tattoos, he also loved tattoos, so it fit, I thought, for our first date."

"Is Prom that reception thing you guys do in the states? Like a formal dance?" Yoon-Gi asks.

"Yea, there are a few dances throughout the year in the states. But that is the biggest one. People go all out too, spending hundreds on the dress and tuxedo, hair, make-up for the girls and it is commonplace for limos to be rented. I have always thought it's too much. I bought a cheap dress, did my make-up and hair, drove in Kayden's van. I've never really been one who wants things to be too big or overdramatic."

"How well do I remember," Yoon-Gi says darkly. I know he is thinking of the first time he asked me to marry him. "You know I still feel bad about that…," I reply softly. "I know, my love. I didn't take anyone seriously when they told me not to. I thought all women liked things to be too much." He smiles. I smile in response.

"The next few months are like a blur now. My step-mom kicked me out because I was 18 and she thought I should have my place, so I moved in with Kayden. We fell in love so quickly. I knew from the first day I wanted to marry him. Even now people think I am crazy because I was so young. But, due to my childhood, I was extremely mature for my age. I knew what I wanted in life." I pause, looking up at Yoon-Gi's face. It feels bizarre to tell him about falling in love with Kayden. He looked away, out the window. When the pause reaches more than 15 seconds, he looks down.

"Stop worrying." He brushes my hair away from my face. "This is a story I have longed to hear from your lips for a very, very long time." He doesn't smile but pouts just a bit, which is hugely unfair because he knows how much I love that face. He can get away with almost anything when he pulls that face out.

"Ok. But can we continue the story at home?" I sit up and get my cup to throw away on the way out the door. "Of course. We both stand and make our way to the front of the store. We wave bye to Bona and step out of the door. I smile as a soft breeze plays around my face. Yoon-Gi takes my hand, and we walk toward our home. I have always found Yoon-Gi's presence so relaxing, there has never been a reason for needless talking, silence is preferable for us both.

We walk through our back gate and see Sidda and Mary, sitting around the outdoor fireplace. They both smile when they see us. Mary is probably the most supportive person I have ever encountered. I didn't know how she would accept all the changes since her son died, but she understood every shift I had to make, including marrying Min Yoon-Gi and moving my family to South Korea.

"Today has been such an amazing day. Thank you so much, Leigh, Yoon-Gi, for inviting me and letting me stay in your home," she says. For some reason, that phrase hurts a bit.

"Of course, you are included and invited to stay in our home," I say. I want to continue, but Yoon-Gi interrupts, "You are always welcome here, Auntie. As the grandmother of Leigh's children, you will not be welcome in our home. For taking such good care of Leigh and the girls when she was so reluctant to let anyone else do so, you are always in my debt." I realize, as he speaks that I was too quick to be hurt, a problem I've always needed to work on. I smile and say, "I am so glad you came. Since we've moved I know, it's been hard only to see us in person a few times a year. We all cherish the time we get with you."

"Yea, Grandmaw, you should come here more. It's so nice, and you could spend some time on the farm with Tae and me," Sidda says.

"It is very nice to see and experience different things. The last time I was here, for your wedding, Leigh, I was not able to see much. The girls have shown me so much this week. I can see why you love it here," she smiles. I suck in a breath. Sometimes it is hard to look right at her, her son looked so much like her, and it takes my breath, even now, over ten years later.

"Oh, Leigh. I see it in your eyes now. Kayden has been gone for so long. Let him go. It's ok. I promise," she says, with a smile. "You have spent ten years grieving and the last six years denying the truth." She comes and takes my hands in hers. "I know how much you loved and still love my son, but you love Yoon-Gi, and I have loved watching you fall in love again, just like I watched you fall in love with Kayden. I am so grateful you have found someone that loves you as much as Kayden did." She reaches one of her hands for Yoon-Gi's. He takes her hand, his tears springing up in his eyes, which is a rare occurrence. "Someone who takes such good care of you and loves the girl's unconditionally, like they were his own." I am a bit shocked at her words. She has always been respectful of my relationship and decisions, but she's never addressed Yoon-Gi in this manner. My heart swells as I look between the two, having such a sweet moment.

"Guys, stop it," Sidda says, voice muffled. We all look around. My eyes get big, Sidda doesn't cry. Like, not at things like this.

"Sidda," I say, my voice high with anxiety. She looks at me, wiping her tears. "I know, Momma. I don't know what is wrong with me. I cry at everything anymore. I even cried with Tae jokingly took my spring roll yesterday." I laugh. "You're pregnant. You and Tae didn't waste any time, did you?" I am overcome with laughter as I look at her horrified face. Mary and Yoon-Gi are frozen in place. "Momma! No! I am not ready to be a mother," Sidda exclaims, her tears still flowing.

"Shhh, child. You will be fine. Wait until you take a test to tell Tae." I turn to Yoon-Gi and Mary. "A grandmother at 47…. wow." Mary playfully pushes my arm. "How do you think I feel? Great Grandmother. Oh goodness." I smile at her and look at Yoon-Gi's frozen form. I lightly touch his cheek.

"Yoon-Gi?" His eyes snap to mine. The expression in them is something I have not seen in a while. Since Tae asked me if he could marry my daughter. I smile. "They're married now. Kids kind of come along with the territory…." He takes a breath, "I love Tae, but I want to kill him for touching my child," he states harshly. Sidda, Mary and I laugh at the intensity of his voice. His eyes soften. "Sorry, I love them all so much," he says quietly. "We know, that's one of an infinite amount of reasons I married you." I pull him into a hug, and he hides his face into my hair. "Don't be embarrassed. I am grateful for your love of my children. Especially since I was not able to give you one of our own." He nods and pulls back. "To be fair, I couldn't either. When the little one starts dating, I swear, it will be the death of me."

Sidda laughs, "I think Jimin might kill someone when that happens." Mary goes and sits back next to Sidda. "Speaking of Jimin and your sister, when did they all leave? Did Marie go with them?" Yoon-Gi places his chin on my head and gently rocks us side to side. This is his subtle way of asking for alone time. "Right after we all finished cleaning up, so, about, thirty minutes ago? Yea, Marie went along, so did Jin, Nova, and Liam." "I hope someone takes videos, my goodness," I say, imagining all of them singing and probably drinking, "I swear, if they wake me up when they come home," Yoon-Gi says.

"I'm tired and going to lay down," I say, pulling away from Yoon-Gi. "Me too," he says. "Goodnight Momma, Yoon-Gi," Sidda says, finally done with the tears and calming down in the presence of her grandmother. "Goodnight guys." I wave and start toward the back door. I look around the kitchen, making sure it is cleaned how I like it. I hate waking up to a dirty kitchen.

"It's fine, come on, we're not sleeping anyway. You still owe me the story," Yoon-Gi says, gently pushing my shoulder the direction of the stairs. I sigh and walk up the stairs. "You're not normally this pushy, Min Yoon-Gi," I joke. He laughs quietly; he's exactly this pushy. I walk the length of the hall, my fingers trailing the tapestries hanging on the wall. Some of them came from Yoon-Gi's family home; I was shocked when his mother showed up with them, as his parents didn't agree with our union.


	4. Chapter 4

I walk into our bedroom; the simple colors and our favorite diffuser smell instantly calming me. "I love watching you walk into this room. I can see all your stress strip right off you," I hear Yoon-Gi say from the doorway. I see his tall, thin form leaning against the door frame from the corner of my eye. I blush and turn to look at him, trying but failing to look annoyed. "I love that too, you fight your feelings because of guilt, but in these moments, I see it. Look at you, look at that blush." He smiles my favorite smile. My breath catches like it does when I let my guard down around him. As he takes in my expression, his eyebrows disappear in his hairline and he places a mischievous smile on his face. I quickly turn to my dresser and pull out my pajamas. I feel one of his hands slide around my waist and the other push my hair from my neck. "Leigh…," he whispers. I feel his lips brush my neck. I close my eyes and slightly bend my neck to his touch. The hand on my waist gently pulls me back into his frame, while his lips leave a trail up and down my throat. I let myself mold myself to his frame. I drop my pajamas and place one hand softly on his on my waist and the other on the back of his neck. He lightly spins me around and kisses my chin. I let my hands fall limply to my sides and keep my eyes closed, enjoying the moment. As the light touches and kisses continue, I slowly start to respond. One hand circles his thin waist as the other lay lightly on his chest.

After a few moments soft kisses on across my neck and face, Yoon-Gi pulls back, holding me by the shoulders. I open my eyes, just a bit lightheaded from the rush of excitement. I only look at him for a few seconds before I grab the front of his shirt and pull him in for a proper kiss. I feel his surprise as I wrap my arms around his neck. He is hesitant with his kisses and hands; I know he is expecting a rebuff. I pause, stepping back, the guilt immediately taking over everything. His hands and head drop, closing his eyes tightly. This action makes me feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest. I've never seen him look so defeated.

"Oh," I whisper, clutching my chest. His head snaps up, his eyes narrow in concern, but I see the pain on his face and in his eyes before he masks it. I feel tears welling, but he is going to misconstrue these tears as guilt, for Kayden. "Oh, Yoon-Gi. What have I done?" I whisper. I look at his confused face, and I am overcome with the realization of what my issues have done to this man that I love so much. The room spins, and I go down to my knees, Yoon-Gi's response is immediate, almost like he knew what was happening.

"What, what is it?" He says. My tears dry up immediately. I get so furious with myself. How could I do this to such an amazing person? Why did I make is commonplace that he expects me to recoil from his touch? It's no wonder his mother has always been so distant. I know others must see the way I react to his touch sometimes.

"I am so sorry, Min Yoon-Gi." I look up, taking his hands. I look into his beautiful eyes. "I cannot even imagine how horrible the last five years married to me have been. I didn't see. I wouldn't let myself see. I wouldn't let myself feel the feelings that rage in my body every moment of every day. In my selfishness I have made you expect a rebuff anytime you touch me, anytime you want to show me affection. I am so sorry. I will never stop trying to make this up to you." My words are fierce, but hardly above a whisper. His eyes widen in shock, and his mouth falls open ever so slightly. I search his face; set is a shock, his eyes bewildered. "How have you put up with me? I make you this promise. From this moment on, I'm yours. All yours. God, how could I be so blind?"

Anger flairs in me. I have always taken care of anyone, how did I become this person? Why did I let losing Kayden make me forget who I am, how to love someone? Didn't Yoon-Gi deserve for me to love him the same as I did Kayden? I take a deep breath and feel a feeling in my chest, my heart flies. I finally feel free. Free of my past, free of the guilt, free of it all. I smile and pull Yoon-Gi's hands to kiss them. "I'm so sorry, my Min Yoon-Gi," I say in Korean. I bow my head over his hands and close my eyes, a sign of immense respect for a wife to do for her husband in Korea. "I love you, more than my own life. Please forgive me." I pause, waiting for the response. I want to look up, but I will show him the respect he deserves, even if I was not raised in the customs.

After a few more seconds he removes his hands from mine. I drop my hands but do not look up. "Leigh," he says. I raise my eyes. "I feel I need to apologize. I am normally so good at hiding my reactions as not to upset you more. I didn't mean for you to see me so weak." I tilt my head to the side. "Weak? How can a man who has struggled to prove his love to a woman who is in love with a ghost be viewed as weak? And," I hesitantly take a step toward him, "I think I needed to see that. Do you not see what it has done? I refuse to be a pain for people, seeing your pain has put everything in its correct place in my brain. Don't you see, I'm free. The guilt, I do not feel it in my heart anymore. Kayden's name comes into my brain, and it doesn't hurt as much. Seeing you like that, goodness, it was like a slap in the face. I am so sorry; I will never be able to say it enough. I'm sorry." He steps closer, placing one hand on the side of my face. I put my hand on top of his and lean into it. "I love you, Min Yoon-Gi. So much." He smiles that smile that drives me insane and pulls me into a very passionate kiss.

After a few moments, Yoon-Gi breaks away. This is the first time I can remember that he breaks our kiss. "Leigh, I don't know what to say. I don't remember you ever kissing me so freely." He looks dazed. I put my forehead to his. "I told you, I feel free, finally." I close my eyes and smile slightly. For the first time in 10 years, I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. I am surprised by Yoon-Gi's lips back on mine. Fiercely, almost on the verge of acute need instead of desire. He picks me up, easier than you would think with his thin frame, and carries me to the bed. Without breaking our kiss, he lays me down and hovers over the length of my body. This time I am the one who breaks away, to catch my breath. This doesn't stop him; he moves to my face, my ears, my neck, and upper chest, any place where the skin is exposed. I am so used to him being so gentle, almost questioning every touch, experiencing him letting go, my mind goes into a fog.

As I try to catch my breath, I look down at Yoon-Gi. His eyes meet mine. "Where has this been hiding?" He smiles evilly and stands up. "Wait, where are you going?" I say, sitting up on my elbows. "Oh, I am not going anywhere." He pulls this shirt over his head, revealing his sculpted chest and abdomen. My face grows hot, and I look down. "No, you are not doing that," he says, in a tone, he normally reserves when he has to get this trainee under control. My eyes snap to his; I raise my eyebrows and smirk. "This might be new territory, Min Yoon-Gi, but remember who you are talking to." He places one knee on the bed in between my legs and leans over me. I suck in a ragged breath. "And who am I talking to?" he asks quietly. "Min Leigh," I whisper, my resolve wavering at his sudden intensity. "Exactly. _Min_ Leigh. My wife. Finally, all mine. I knew this day would come. I have been waiting." He places one hand on the bed, making him lean into me even more, our bodies just millimeters apart. "I thought I would have to wait longer for this moment."

"Yea, it should have come about six years ago," I say, reaching up and kissing his chin. "I'll never be able to make it up to you," I kiss his neck. "But I promise I will spend the rest of my life trying to." I continue kissing his neck softly and place one hand on his waist. He slightly pushes me down, making me straighten up, so our foreheads are touching again. While his eyes search mine, he places his other hand on the other side of me, effectively pushing me down onto the bed. "Goodness woman. I have been waiting so long to have all of you," he almost growls. I am so overwhelmed by the intensity coming from him. He starts kissing me over and over, lips, cheeks, neck, everywhere he can reach. I don't stay still, even though Yoon-Gi and I have been intimate in our relationship this felt different. I didn't feel like I needed to hold back anymore. I let my hands trace over and over his upper body, his hair, his face. I returned the kisses when I am able.


	5. Chapter 5

A light knock brings both of us back to our senses. We both pause and look at each other. I smile my whole body on fire from our activities. Yoon-Gi smiles back, desire raging in his eyes, his pale skin flushed as well. In one graceful move, he gets off the bed and picks up his shirt, pulling it over his head as he walks to the door. I honestly didn't notice the door being closed. Our bed is in a nook around the corner from the door, the hall wall running the length of the bed. He opens the door as I scoot to the foot of the bed. From my seat, I can see most of his face. I hear him talking quietly and quickly in Korean. I stand up; he usually would tell me who is at our bedroom door. He glances back and smiles, moving to the side to show Jimin, who looks distraught. My first reaction is fear since he was out with most of our family, but since Yoon-Gi has a smile across his face I know it must mean Jimin is overreacting, again. I walk to the door, trying to catch what Jimin is saying. He talks so fast when he is upset and even though I have lived in Korea for six years and studied the language for about 17 years, I still having trouble when people speak fast or in dialect.

"She didn't want to come home and, well, I just feel nervous about it, hyung," I hear Jimin finish saying. I know he is immediately talking about Rose. He has been her big "brother" since she was 11, so he is extremely protective. They have always gotten along so well because he is a child at heart.

"It's alright, Jimin. I'll text her," I say to him, motioning for him to come to sit on the little couch in our bedroom. Yoon-Gi sighs and lets Jimin in as I grab my phone and start messaging my youngest.

 _Where are you?_

 _Still at the bar. Da-Eun and Ji-a are in from college. Hobi, Marie, and Kook are still here too._

Jimin is here and pretty upset….

Did something happen?

 _…Ye-Joon is here too, not with me, but in the bar. He still makes Jimin nervous._

Aha, I understand. Come home soon?

Grandmaw is only here one more day

and would like to spend some more

time with all of you.

 _Alright, Momma. Tell Jimin to come back and hang out with us. My friends love him._

 _Lol, I will._

I smile to myself. Roses' high school boyfriend, he broke her heart the first time. Jimin will never forgive anyone for hurting his dongseng. I look over at Jimin and Yoon-Gi. These two are so different but balance each other very well. Yoon-Gi got Jimin talking about their new trainees and got his mind off his stress.

"Jimin, Rose wants you to come back and spend time with her and her old friends. She understands why you are hesitant to be around Ye-Joon after the last interaction you all had, but that doesn't bother her anymore. She wishes you wouldn't let it bother you too, "I say. Jimin hangs his head, still remorseful for letting his anger for Roses' pain cloud his judgment last year. "You silly boy, it was such a long time ago. Sometimes you have to learn to let the past be the past." I look at Yoon-Gi as I say these words. Jimin looks between us; our faces must be showing something because he suddenly takes in our disheveled hair and bed and immediately turns red.

"Leigh, Yoon-Gi, I am so sorry," he quickly stands and tries for the door. Yoon-Gi laughs silently, but I grab his arm. "Jimin. You were worried about my child; do you think I am upset?" His color turns back to normal, and he smiles. "Of course not. I'll go back to the bar. I promise I won't talk to Ye-Joon and will have fun." I smile and release him, watching him bound down the hallway to the stairs. It's funny, he's not much younger than Yoon-Gi by birth, but he still seems like a child at times. I close the door and turn back to Yoon-Gi, still chuckling softly. Our eyes meet. I tilt my head to the side and let a small smile play on my lips. His response is the same. Both of us raise one eyebrow, and we both open our mouths to speak causing both of us to pause. "Story?" We both say and then laugh.

"I'm sorry I let Jimin ruin our mood," he says as I go pick up my pajamas from the floor where they dropped. "I think, technically, I did that, inviting him in so I could check on Rose." Yoon-Gi has his back to me, pulling his pajamas out of his dresser. "Yea. It's your fault then." I lightly laugh and head to the bathroom; I feel, rather than hear, Yoon-Gi behind me. I place my pajamas on my side of our double sink and turn to the toilet closet. This little thing took Yoon-Gi awhile to get used to, but I hate having the toilet in the same room where I get clean and brush my teeth, so it's in its little room.

"I wish my mother and father could have come," I hear Yoon-Gi say through the door. "At least hyung came." This is a touchy subject for him, his parents saw me as "used goods," not worthy of marrying their son since I was a widow with children. Especially when they found out, we could not have children. It didn't help that I am 9 years older than he is. The only one in his family that accepted us, me, was his older brother, Jun Ki. He even treats my children as if they were his blood nieces.

I walk out and wash my hands. "It's ok. I didn't expect them to come. I know how they feel about me and the girls," I say, changing into my pajamas. Yoon-Gi already changed into his and is washing his face, so I take advantage of him not talking to brush my teeth. While we are getting ready for bed, I snort at the difference in our sleepwear. Yoon-Gi enjoys the traditional style, comfortable bottoms with matching, button up shirts. I wear his super oversized shirt and shorts. At the beginning of our relationship, I wore four of them so much that the next time I went to find them I located them in my pajama drawer.

It doesn't take us long to wash up and brush our teeth. I walk back to our bed before Yoon-Gi comes out of the bathroom to join me. As he climbs into bed next to me, he says, "You know, they don't hate you or the children. They are just more traditional." I take his hand and say, "I know. They just wanted something different for you. And it's nice that we are on better terms than before. I just wish I could be someone your mother could be proud to introduce as your wife, their daughter-in-law." I trace the light blue veins on his hand as I speak. "And I do wish, even though Rose was 16 when we married, I could have given you a son. I know how much you wanted a little one of your own. I was still young enough; my body just could not survive."

"I was at the doctor's visits as well, Leigh. I couldn't get anyone pregnant, even if you could have survived carrying another child. Stop blaming yourself. I am fine with our children. Seriously, I love them so much. I've watched them grow. We've known each other for, what, 14 years? Was it four years before the accident that we met?" he asks. I smile, "Yea. You all were so stressed. I remember telling my family I wanted to go on tour with you all to be sure your mental health was addressed as much as your physical." I lean my head on his shoulder, our backs on the plush headboard. I intertwine my hand with his. "More story?" I ask. "Yes, please." I nod, where was I. I cannot remember. So much has happened in the last hour and a half." "You knew you loved him and wanted to marry him, quickly," he summarizes. I laugh. "Perfect."

"So, I graduated from high school, and we spent the summer doing a big bunch of nothing. Well, not really nothing. We had our…um…. extra activities we enjoyed." I snicker, letting myself remember. Yoon-Gi snickers as well. "I got sick in late August. I got a bad infection in my lungs. They gave me antibiotics, but no one told me that they would make birth control ineffective. So, in early October I found out I was pregnant. Something I never wanted to happen and was told since I was young it couldn't happen." I pause and listen to the slow, steady breathing, matching mine to his. "Late May of the next year Sidda was born. I labored all night at home, back labor, so intense. I made Kayden take me to the hospital; he drove so fast even though it was not necessary. I was just in pain, but he was nervous. So nervous. It was, about, 6:30 in the morning. The doctor kept me, I was dilated to 4, and they broke my water to help speed things up. Yoon-Gi, I was so scared. I didn't think I could labor and have my child." I pause, realizing something. "I never told anyone that. I always kept face; I didn't tell people when I was scared. I still don't." He squeezes my hand and gives me a light kiss on the forehead.

I clear my throat and continue. "At, about 4:15 that afternoon I started feeling faint. I couldn't form words, and I just wanted to sleep. My breathing slowed, and I faintly remember monitors going off. I remember looking at Kayden, and he was dozing in the chair next to me, we both had been up all night. I don't remember much of the cesarean, the smell, the doctor yelling at a few nurses after showing me Sidda. I barely remember her little face at that moment. They said I didn't pass out, but I don't remember anything until I came to my senses in the recovery room. My mom was there, and the first thing I asked was if Sidda had hair. It wasn't until the next day, after an MRI of my pelvis, that we found out why I was not having any luck with labor. My pelvis was fused, like a mans. So, if I ever decided to have more children, my only option was cesarean." I take a breath. I didn't realize how much there was to share. I adjust my position, scooting doing into the bed a bit more, grabbing a pillow and laying it and my head in Yoon-Gi's lap.

"How much detail do you want? You know I can go into some insane details," I ask after getting comfortable and looking up at him. "I do not have a preference. I want to hear you speak freely. So, tell me the details you want to." As I expected, he starts playing with my hair. I close my eyes and let myself drift back to the past.


	6. Chapter 6

"Well, I decided to go to school. I wanted to be a therapist. Due to cost, I did all the prerequisite classes at the community college. Kayden and his family were so supportive. We didn't live in the best apartments due to me deciding to go to school instead of working. Kayden and I decided that it was more important for one of us to be at home with Sidda and Kayden's heart and anxiety condition prevented him from working efficiently anyway. So, I went to school, and he took care of Sidda and the house. It worked for us. I was able to make my school money pay the bills. A bit before my third year of college ended I found out we were going to have another baby. I had Nova that September. She was the biggest, 9 pounds, 11 ounces, 22 inches long. Two ribs are broken while pregnant with her, two. Since she was born so early in the semester, I was able to keep up and graduate that next May with my Bachelor's in Psychology." I pause, opening my eyes, Yoon-Gi still lightly playing with my hair, his eyes closed. I take a few moments to marvel at the beauty of my husband and how grateful I am to not only have him in my life but for finally being clear of the clouds of my past. As the pause grows longer, he stops and looks down, catching me watching him. He tilts his head. "I was just thinking of how grateful I am for you," I answer his unasked question. He smiles a small smile. "I know that you are thinking about how difficult you think it has been for me over our relationship, but what you cannot see is how much you have helped me. I was getting so angry, not finding what I thought I was looking for. Not being satisfied with who I was when we met. I felt lost. Until the few months, I spend helping at the old house, when I realized that what I needed was you, not just to care for you, but your children. You were already my family." I am in awe; he's never told me this. What a night, so much we have never spoken to one another. "I thought I had to have a Korean wife, to bow to my every whim. I thought I had to have a son. That was what everyone else said I had to have. What I wanted was love, tenderness, and people to take care of lightly, quietly. I found that in your family."

"Are you a saint or something?" I ask, echoing a conversation we had many, many years ago. He snickers and closes his eyes, leaning his head back. "Tell me more."

I close my eyes again and let the words flow.

"I got a job as a therapist with a local company run by the state. It was horrible — all these issues people had I couldn't help them the way they needed due to understaffing and budget issues. It hurt my heart. I wanted to help people so much, and all this red tape prevented it. I worked there for about two years. I found myself in severe depression due to all of it and things at home. I turned to food. It was horrible. I gained so much weight. Which made my depression worse, which made me eat more — this endless cycle. I ended up having to quit my job when I found out I was pregnant with Rose. My body was not made to have children, thin uterus, giant husband, all that put a lot of pressure on my body. I was put on bedrest when I was only three months pregnant. Put into the hospital when I was seven months. Rose was born a few weeks later. She was my littlest baby, but she was four weeks early — only 6 pounds, 3 ounces, 19 inches long. It took me longer to recover than normal, about eight weeks. During that time, I started looking for a new job. I didn't want to go back to my old job; it just didn't seem like I could do anything worthwhile." I take a deep breath, not opening my eyes, but calmed by Yoon-Gi's long fingers lightly stroking my hair.

"I got an email from one of my old supervisors about speaking at a conference over mental health issues in California. It was only for two days, so, after talking to Kayden, I decided to go. My speech went over well, and I was invited to speak at a few other conferences, mainly focusing on how to change the stigma surrounding mental health issues and how they are viewed in society. It was a whirlwind year. I lost one brother to suicide, my mother and aunt passed away within one month of each other. During this time, I didn't have a steady job; I just made money by speaking at different conferences. I began to gain a reputation due to the hard hits in my life happening one day, then the next I was completely on point and doing my job. The day after Rose turned a year old I got an interesting email from a contact I met in Portland. She had a very high priority client that needed a therapist immediately and who was impressed with a speech I had given in Louisville that earlier that month. The client was in Nashville, really close to my home. I was told I'd get paid $2000 cash to go there first thing the next morning. I was a bit nervous that I didn't have any other information, but I trusted my peer and Adam agreed to go with me. I drove the 45 minutes to Nashville, an address that took me a set of lofts close to the airport. We knocked on the door and was greeted by the weirdest sight. Of course, I cannot say who it was, let's just say he was a famous actor. He looked horrible though like he had not left the room for a week. I asked Kayden to stay outside, confidentiality and all and closed the door behind me. I went to Nashville four times that week. He was so grateful that he asked me where my practice was. I told him I didn't have one set up, but since he had my phone number, he could message me anytime. He ended up recommending me to a few other people, who would then recommend me to others, so on and so forth. I ended up renting a small business place in Nashville, but Kayden didn't want to move further south. I drove back and forth for about a year. It was pretty nice, the financial stability given to us was a first and something I didn't think I'd accomplish with just a bachelor's degree."

I stretch, yawn and glance at the clock. It was already midnight. That's a long day when you start at 5:00 am. I catch Yoon-Gi looking at me. "What?" I say. "You are so beautiful, especially when you are relaxed. It's nice to see you not trying to hide." I feel myself turning red. I didn't like compliments.

"Can we finish the story another time? Today was...," I struggle to find the right word. "Intense?" Yoon-Gi asks, stretching too. "Exactly." I sit up and start hitting and rearranging my pillows. "Of course, we can finish another time. I am tired too." Yoon-Gi hits the switch next to his bed, the room grows dark, and the white noise machine comes on. We both start getting ourselves comfortable. At first, I lay like I normally would after a long day, left the side, back to Yoon-Gi. I feel the need to turn over and face him though. When I do, I notice with the moonlight from the skylight hitting his face; he does look ethereal, unreal, almost Godly. He has his eyes closes already, one of his hands lightly folded under his cheek. I reach out and lightly touch his face. He smiles at the touch and kisses my hand as it crosses his lips. He takes my hand in his other hand and intertwines our fingers. "Good night, Yoon-Gi. I love you," I whisper. "As I love you, my Leigh," he whispers back. I smile and let myself drift off to sleep.

 _Sometimes you can just tell you are dreaming. Sometimes I have dreams that are so real I feel like I hadn't slept, almost like an astral projection situation. This was one of those time that I knew I was asleep, but it didn't make the experience feel any less real. I could feel Yoon-Gi's presence next to me, hear his steady breathing, even feeling our hands intertwined. But I was sitting next to the pool in my old house from the states. My home I shared with Kayden. I sit back on my hands, confused as to why I was there, but not feeling uncomfortable or unhappy. I lightly kick my feet in the water, letting the heat from the sunshine on my face, closing my eyes. I do miss the dry heat from Arizona._

 _"Leigh," I hear from behind me. My eyes snap open; my heart starts pounding. I haven't heard that voice in ten years. I wouldn't even watch home videos with him in them. How do I recognize it so quickly? I turn and see Kayden, exactly how I remember him from the day of the accident. Each line of his face, the clothes he was wearing, all of it. He has his hands in his pockets, head tilted down, but still looking right at me. Oh, how I forgot the specks of brown that flashed in his eyes when the sun hit his face. "Kayden?"_


	7. Chapter 7

_I take just a few steps toward him. He was taller than I remember, 6'2 to my 5'4. "It's ok. I've been waiting a long time to be able to see you," he says. "I don't understand," I say, not daring to get any closer. "I know. It's different here. The rules are different than you'd think. I wasn't allowed to see you until you forgave yourself until you accepted my death until you freed yourself." I close my eyes, expecting to feel tears, but none come. "See, you understand now. You understand that I am your past, your first love. He is your present and future. Balance and love. You found the ability to love us both and finally realized it was the right thing to do. That it's not wrong." I open my eyes, expecting to see the sadness in his eyes. "Are you ok? I could have helped get you through it all. If you would have just told me," I say. "I know, but as I said, it was to be on my time, my terms. I could not put you through the pain of watching me die and not being able to fix it. I wish you would have been able to move on sooner. You put yourself through so much unnecessary heartache." He steps the few steps to me, closing the distance. I freeze and take a deep breath. He even smelled the same — a mix of his favorite musky deodorant and faint smoke due to his cigarette habit. "And yes, I am fine. It's nice here. My punishment for taking my own life was just having to wait until everyone I loved moved on from their guilt before being able to see you. You were the last one, Leigh." I hesitantly reach out and touch his hand. I look up into his eyes. "I'm sorry," I whisper. He looks puzzled. "For what?" At that very moment, I hear a light sound from my back and feel an arm get thrown over my waist. I turn, but I just see the pool. It's the weirdest thing, to be standing here, talking to Kayden, smelling and feeling what I do here, in this place. And to be able to hear Yoon-Gi's breathing, the heat from his body and his hand still in mine, now his other arm over my waist. "Oh," I turn back to Kayden, meeting his eyes. I know I am pleading for forgiveness for remarrying, for moving on. He smiles and places one hand on my face. "Leigh, there is nothing to apologize for. I wanted you to fall in love again. I wanted you to move on and have a life. I want you to be happy. Yoon-Gi is exactly the type of man you need. He will take care of yours, even if you don't want him to. His love for you and the girl's match my own. Believe me, I have felt it."_

 _"Felt it?" I question, touch his hand on my face and leaning into it. "Yes, I am telling you. They are so nice here. I was so scared in the beginning; they helped me, they let me peek at you and the girls. And yes, they let me feel what is in his heart. It was amazing. The amount of love he has, it would rock you on your heels." I smile. "I promise you, Leigh, I am fine. You are fine. The girls are so beautiful, and they are fine. This is how life is supposed to be." I hear a faint sound from behind my back, in the other consciousness. Lightly at first, as I ignore it, letting myself be with Kayden for just a moment. But as it gets louder, I realize it's Jung-kook's ring tone. My eyes flash open, "It's ok. Go. Go back to our family. I am fine and happy. You are fine. You deserve to be happy. Open yourself to completely to him, let him love you without restraint. You will be amazed as to what you find." Kayden drops his hands and lightly kisses my forehead. "Goodbye, Leigh Nicole Laurent, Min Leigh." Him using both my name with him and my name with Yoon-Gi was surprising. "We will see each other again." I take a step back, the desire to make sure everyone is ok quickly pulling me into reality. "I love you, Kayden." "I love you too, baby." The outline of him starts to fade, and I know it's time for our goodbye to end. "Let him love you. Love him back. I expect you to love him more than you loved me." I smile as he completely disappears. I feel a light ache in my heart as I look at the place he was standing, but it feels more like closure and acceptance rather than the mourning I have been putting myself through._

"Baby," I hear quietly beside me. "Marie, let me have her call you back, I'm having trouble waking her up….Oh, ok. Of course, I'll let her know." I open my eyes, still slightly confused and in awe from the dream. "Baby?" Yoon-Gi says, his voice heightened with anxiety. I blink a few times, a few tears escaping my eyes. Well, I couldn't cry there, but I guess I did here. "Are you alright, my love?" he asks, stroking my hair.

I clear my throat, "Yes, I am ok. I am. What's going on?" I ask, stretching and looking around. His face comes into focus, well as much focus as it can without my contacts. "Marie called, she said she wanted to tell you everyone made it home just fine. She figured you'd be up worrying and was surprised when she found out you were asleep." I yawn. "That's good," I say. "Does she need me to call her back or?" I rub my eyes, so tired and just ready to go back to sleep. Maybe I could have a normal dream. "No, she said she'd call you tomorrow." He stretches across me to place my phone on my night table. I smile and snuggle into his chest. He smiles too and pulls me to him as he lays back and gets comfortable. I take a deep breath, noting the difference in the smells of the two men I love. Kayden always had a very rugged smell, Yoon-Gi always smelled like lightly scented musk. I absently start playing with the buttons on his pajama shirt, and he lightly runs one finger up and down my arm. "Are you sure you are ok? You were crying." He asks me, his voice tight. I nod lightly and say, "Yes, truly, I am. I had a….weird dream…." "Oh, one of those things where you feel like you are still awake, just somewhere else?" he asks between yawns. I nod again, catching the yawn from him. "I'll tell you about it in the morning if you want." He kisses my hair, "I always want to hear your dreams. Those are always so interesting." I lightly nod, already falling back to sleep.

As I slowly come back to my senses, I stretch and notice that I am alone in our bed. I rub my eyes and sit up, also grabbing my glasses off the side table and putting them on. I see Yoon-Gi sitting with his back to me at the desk we share. He has headphones on, so I know he's probably working on some music. I smile, heart fluttering and, well, just feeling at peace. I can recall every moment from the dream with Kayden before Marie called, but nothing from after I went back to sleep. I really cannot remember the last time I slept so well. I get out of bed and head for the bathroom, grabbing my robe on the way. I let the water run a bit to warm up while using the toilet and brushing my teeth.

It's a weird feeling, I think while getting into the shower. To feel free. To not feel the weight of guilt. I feel almost giddy. The sound of instrumental music coming through the speakers Yoon-Gi installed in the bathroom makes me smile. He must not have noticed I came in here, he always listens to music while showering. I rinse my hair and wash off quickly. I leave the water running so he can get in and I step out of the shower, grabbing a towel and drying off. I hear Yoon-Gi moving toward the bathroom door as I tie on my robe and start to twist my hair up in the towel. He opens the door as I flip my towel wrapped hair to my back. He looks so distracted, looking at his phone. Probably checking his email, one of the companies groups is debuting within the next two months, and he is stressing. He still hasn't noticed me here, so I stay still not to scare him. He hates getting startled. But, as he looks up, me being there scares him anyway.

"Shit, Leigh," he says, clutching his chest and closing his eyes. "I didn't see you get out of bed." He opens his eyes and smiles. "I figured once I hear the music. It's beautiful, did you just write it?" He walks in and beings to take off his shirt. "Yea, the melody woke me early this morning. I hate to write it out. I have some lyrics coming to me too." I take my hair down, rubbing the ends dry. "Yea? You dreamt about it?" I ask, hanging my towel on my hook. "Yea, I was having a dream about us, when I first realized I had fallen in love with you, and Kayden was there. He started playing this melody on his guitar, the one hanging in my studio while watching us. No one knew he was there, only me. Our eyes locked, he nodded and smiled." He shakes his head. "I know it was a memory, but him being there, watching, almost was so intense, Leigh. It was almost like he was thanking me. Is that boastful? Does it sound like I have too much pride?" he asks, looking down.


	8. Chapter 8

"Not at all. I feel like last night was Kayden's night to speak to us both," I answer, walking to him and taking his hands in mine. He looks up and asks, "I knew you were dreaming about him. I thought I would wake this morning to find the mourning back." His eyes search mine, "But I see none. It was a good dream then, yes?" I nod, "Oh yes, it was the closure I needed, but Kayden said I could not get it until I forgave myself. He told me how happy he was for me, for us. He said he was given the ability to feel the love in your heart. The love for me, for the girls." His eyes widen. "He said it was just as much as the love he has for us and for that his was so grateful for you. He said you are exactly the person I needed because you take care of me, even when I don't want you to." I smile lightly, waiting for his response. It takes him a minute, but he finally returns the smile. He nods and starts getting ready for his shower.

I turn to the mirror and start combing through my hair. A nice, loose braid seems fit for today day. I listen to Yoon-Gi humming to the melody in the shower and, well, I just feel right. I silently slip out of the bathroom and pull on some jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt. I glance at the clock and am kind of shocked when I see that it is almost 10 am. I normally do not sleep so much. I head down to the kitchen to see if anyone had made any coffee. At the top of the stairs I hear laughter and talking from the kitchen. As I descend the steps I also smell coffee and what might be some kind of bread. As I walk into the kitchen I see Mary, Rose, Nova and Liam sitting and standing around the breakfast bar. Nova sees me first and she smiles.

"Good morning, Momma. I am surprised you are just now getting up." The others turn and say their good mornings as well. "Good morning. I am too. It's been a long time since I spelt that well." I make myself a cup of coffee and lean against the counter. I then noticed that the atmosphere has changed a bit. The conversation had not continued as I thought I would. "What's wrong?" I ask looking from face to face. Rose smiles, "Nothing. Grandmaw was just telling us about her dream last night, but it was about Daddy, so….you know…" her words trail off as they all look down. I smile at them all.

"Yea? Did you dream about Kayden last night? I did too. Yoon-Gi did as well," I say. They all snap their heads up, their eyes wide with shock. I generally do not speak about Kayden, especially in a way that doesn't make my voice shake. "Ok, so I guess I need to explain what happened." I walk over to face them all, their faces ranging from shock to awe.

"Last night, after I got back from the walk with Yoon-Gi and after speaking with Mary and Sidda, something happened. I saw something that Yoon-Gi had hidden from me the last six years. I pulled away from a kiss, I know you've all seen me do it. I've spent so much time mourning and feeling guilty for falling in love with someone else. Last night when I pulled away after the guilt raged through me I didn't close my eyes like I always do. And I saw something I am sure you have all witnessed, but I have never seen." I look down at my coffee. A different type of guilt raging through me. "Yoon-Gi looked so defeated, so sad. Something in me snapped. I have never been the type of person to let other feel pain because of me, but yet, here I am," I straighten up and hold my arms wide, "Putting this amazing man through so much pain because I could not let go of a ghost, like you have all told me to do. I realized I had become someone I did not recognize and someone I could not be anymore. When that happen it was like the weight of all the needless guilt flew off of me. My heart didn't feel heavy anymore, my heart seemed to grow and I finally found the balance to love my past, love my Kayden while loving the present, the future, with Yoon-Gi." I sip my coffee as everyone exchanges glances.

"After finally falling asleep I dreamt of Kayden. It wasn't sad; it was a blessing, it was amazing. He told me that he had been waiting for a very long time for me to forgive myself and to stop mourning so he could see me. He said he needed to let me know that he not only approves of me moving on and remarrying but that Yoon-Gi was exactly what our family needed." I hear movement behind me and turn to see Yoon-Gi walking up behind me, a slight smile on his face. I smile in response and hold my arm out for him to join me. "Kayden told me he was allowed to feel the love Yoon-Gi not only has for me but for our children. And that is matched his own." Yoon-Gi comes to me and slides his arm around my waist, pulling me into a proper hug. I close my eyes and smile.

We release to find everyone else smiling. "So, it's ok. I'm finally ok. Please, continue with your story. I promise my reaction to Kayden's name will not ever be crippling as it was before." Mary looks on the verge of tears, but when she speaks her voice is steady. "Kayden told me almost the same. But he fussed at me just a bit. 'How could you let Michelle forget herself?' He was joking, of course. We all know how stubborn you are." I hide my face in Yoon-Gi's chest. "It was a very peaceful dream."

"Since we all had similar experiences, I wonder if they were dreams at all," Yoon-Gi says. "I know, I was thinking the same thing," I said, lightly releasing Yoon-Gi's waist and picking my coffee back up. "I feel like you might be right," Rose whispers. "I dreamt about Daddy last night too. He looked exactly how he did the morning of the accident," she looks up, tears in her eyes. It has been the hardest on her, my youngest, losing her father at such a young age and then me checking out the way I did. It took me months to come back to a place where I could take care of my children correctly. I sit my cup down. "You don't have to talk about it, Rose," I say.

"No, it's ok. He told me he was so proud of the woman I had become. It really seems all the dreams were happy. Mine was too, but the memories of Daddy had faded so much for me, so I think it was just such a shock to see him, to hear his voice." She looks down, letting tears fall on her hands. I walk over to where she is and put my arms around her shoulders. "I am so sorry, my sweetheart. I know how I handled it made things so much harder on all of you girls. I really tried to seem normal in front of you all. I know I failed." She shakes her head, "No, Mama." I straighten up. I see Yoon-Gi smiling from behind her, Nova to the left. They must know what she is about to say. "Before losing Daddy I looked at you like you two were literally a superheroes," she turns to look at me, my eyebrows raise. "I know, I was old enough to understand, but I never thought anything would change. At my age I had only lost Nana and Granny. They were old and sick. I really did not understand that I could lose you are Daddy. When Daddy died I was so scared you'd be next. But I was even more afraid that you would act like you were ok, that you would pretend everything was ok. That was my biggest fear from that experience." Now it's my turn to be shocked. Another round of guilt that was unnecessary?

"I know, it sounds so weird, but I needed to see you feel the pain we all felt. I needed to see it because if I didn't, I don't think it would have felt real. Even when you had to go to that place and Grandmaw came to stay with us. It hurt, so bad, but I knew it was real. And, for me, it helped so much to see you as a person, human, not the superhero I had envisioned in my mind. When you came home, visibly still sad, but obviously still my mother, it taught me that life was so precious. When I realized that had fallen in love with Yoon-Gi, I prayed ever night that you would forgive yourself. Never, never forget that even though you think you failed, you think you should have done better, I, for one, needed to see you as a person instead of just my mother." I hug my youngest child, her wisdom amazing.

"You see, Momma," Nova says. I release Rose and look over at her and Liam, his arm casually thrown over her shoulders. "You are such a strong woman. You pulled yourself out of the ashes more times than most people find themselves close to the fire. Your Phoenix persona is exactly correct. What you don't understand, growing up with a mother like that, not showing your pain, always just doing what you needed to do, never stopping to feel even when you needed to, how it framed you in our minds. It did make us very, very strong women, but it also made you seem…..impenetrable. For us to be the strong women you wanted us to become, we needed to see you, well," she looks at Liam. He nods. "Break," she finishes. I smile.

"Well then," I say. "I guess I have a bunch of guilt that is not needed then, huh?" They all smile and relax. "Well then, what is on the agenda for today?" I ask the room at wide.

"I think we are going to go out to take Grandmaw to visit Tae and Sidda," Rose says, standing up. "She has seen the farm yet, and it does not take long to get there. I figure we'd just take the train."

"That sounds like a great day. What time is your flight tomorrow, Mary?" I ask getting another cup of coffee. "It's at 11 am." I nod, taking a sip. "Do you and Yoon-Gi want to join us today?" Liam asks. I look at Yoon-Gi.

"I can't, Joon said there are a few issues with some of the trainees at their dorms. I am needed to go help him out," Yoon-Gi says, checking his phone.

"I need to check on the bakery; I haven't been in three days," I say. "Alright, we'll head out. There is a train in twenty minutes," Rose says. "Wait, did you call to make sure they were staying home today," I ask. "Yea, I talked to Sidda a few minutes before you came down," Rose answers as she puts her dishes in the dishwasher. "She said they are planning on being at home for most of the day. She said Tae had a bunch of things he wanted to try to get done because the farm has been in such disarray." I nod, Tae taking over his family farm was something he was excited to do, but it had proven difficult for both him and Sidda to get used to being there. Sidda has never really been on a farm, and Tae had been living in the city for such a long time. He decided to move back to the farm a few months before he asked Sidda to marry him. "You guys be careful," I say, waving to them and heading back up stairs to grab my phone.


	9. Chapter 9

When I return downstairs, I notice only Yoon-Gi is left waiting. "Hey, I thought you were leaving?" I ask, walking to the back door to pull on my boots. "I thought I'd walk with you to the bakery if that's alright," he says, also pulling on his shoes. "Of course that is ok," I say, standing up and grabbing my crossbody from the hook. "It just sounded urgent. I know the boys are close to debut." I stand, waiting for Yoon-Gi to stand with me. I must have been distracted because I finally feel a heaviness in the air.

"Yoon-Gi? What's wrong?" I ask, kneeling in front of him. He has his head down, arms on his knees. He doesn't lift his head, so I touch his face. "Baby?" I ask, a note of nervousness creeping into my voice. I don't see him like this often; the last time was when he learned of the passing of his uncle. "Please." He takes one hand and catches mine that is on his face. He pulls it to his lips and lightly kisses my palm. "Yoon, come on, what's wrong?" I whisper.

"I am a bit worried to tell you," he whispers back. "Can I guess?" He nods. "You fear my new found freedom is temporary. You fear leaving me alone will find me a mess in my head. You fear I might check out again. You fear you might lose me to my ghost husband since I saw in my dreams for the first time since the nightmares went away." I say everything that had been running through my mind all morning. "Truthfully, I am afraid as well. I know my feelings, but I do fear that something will come along and hit me like a wall and stop the happiness in my heart." He looks up into my eyes. "How do you know me so well?" he asks. I laugh, pulling him up as I stand. "Well, I might have been guilt-ridden and trying to deny the depth of my feelings for you the past six years, Min Yoon-Gi, but that doesn't mean I don't know you." He pulls me into a tight hug, anxiety packed into his thin body. "Promise me you will call me if you feel yourself slipping," he says into my hair, so close to my neck that I feel his breath. "Of course. You are my savior. Now, stop moping and come on." I pull back and intertwine my hand in his. I pull him out the back door.

My bakery is about five blocks from our home, the studio just three more from that, so we usually walk when the weather cooperates. It's amazing how peaceful everything is while walking hand in hand with Yoon-Gi. We wave at Bona as we pass her coffee shop, responding to her smile as she sees us hand in hand. I'll stop in later to explain the realization I had last night. She kept telling me it would eventually come. I was beginning to lose hope. "Do you think the staff at the bakery are keeping everything to your standard?"

"Yea, I think they are keeping it up. They understand why I want things done a certain way. I love it when they bring me the new ideas though. It's probably one of my favorite things. Soo-young asked me about adding Snickerdoodles to the line of cookies we make. I didn't even think about it, but when I made them at Christmas, they were a big hit."

"Those are the cinnamon ones I like so much, yes?" he asks. I nod, "Yea. It's funny the different requests we get, you know? Even though we've lived here for so long, I am still sometimes surprised by the items that are loved, most of the most popular ones here are the ones overlooked in the states. I think it'll become more common as the bakery is open longer."

"Yea, it's not even a year old yet. Although, it is coming up, isn't it?" Even though the bakery is still another block away and around the next corner, you can already smell the pastries in the air. "Yes, just a bit over a month, the middle of June." I look up to see the street my little American bakery is nestled on. I smile, a bakery was something I always wanted to do, but there are so many in the states. I have sold different American style baked goods randomly out of my house throughout the last four years. One day Bona asked me why I didn't just quit being a therapist and open my bakery since it made me so happy. I was unsure it would do well, but it has thrived.

"This walk was too short," Yoon-Gi says as we approach the bakery. I turn to him and see a little pout forming on his lips. "Silly, you have to go to work," I say, lightly touching his bottom lip. "I doubt the kids will be back at an early time," he says, "Want to have dinner somewhere?" I raise my eyebrows, "Why, Min Yoon-Gi, do you have a fever? You want to go out?" I wink, and he smiles his adorable gummy smile. "Yea, well, right now I am feeling like it," he laughs. "It's fine either way for me, just let me know. But you make plans just in case dealing with the trainees make you not want to. If that happens, I'll pick something up on the way home to cook." He nods, "Ok. I'll talk to you soon." He kisses my forehead and starts walking toward in the direction of the dorm. "I love you," I call to his back. He turns, smiling and waves.

I walk into the bakery; a small chime runs through the little area. A counter with bar stools runs almost the whole length of the right-hand side, to the left is the display cases, lined with many different American pastries, cakes, cookies, and candies. I hear a faint greeting from the back of the store. "It's ok, it's me," I call.

"Leigh!" I hear closer this time. "I wasn't expecting you until after the weekend. Did the graduation dinner go well?" Soo-young, the manager of the bakery, comes into view, her straight black hair tied up on her head, glasses sliding down her nose as she balances a tray of blueberry donuts. I quickly go to her and take the dish.

"It did, it was very nice. I am sad you were not able to come, but I know you and your family were celebrating the wedding." I slide the tray into its spot and turning back to Soo-young. "How did it go? I hope Min-Ki and San-Hae were able to get through the stress successfully…..you too, Soo-young." She smiles at me, "Yes, it was not as stressful as I thought it would be. Min-Ki was sad you could not make it, but he also understood, these things happen. The enjoyed their gift from the Min family," she says, bowing. This action was something I still struggled with when it came to those I considered friends. I bow back, "Of course. I am excited to see the photos."

I pull my crossbody off and place it under the counter. "How has business been? Are we low on anything. Do you need anything?" I feel a bit lost since I am used to being here every day, letting the staff run the store without me for the last week was nerve-racking. However, I don't want them to feel like I lack confidence in them. "I know I said I would not be back until Monday, but I got bored at home. You know it's difficult for me to stay still for long." I look around the store; it is so beautiful, everything in its place. I wanted to go for a 1950's American Soda-Shop feel. To me, it is a very relaxing atmosphere.

I hear a laugh and smile in response. "I knew you'd be back before Monday, Leigh. You long to be busy. Business is perfect; we've been getting busier in the mornings, people are enjoying the Americano coffee and savory pastries we started right before your little break. I've had Hyun preparing and measuring out the doughs the night before as we do with most of the others. We may consider looking to get someone to come in a bit earlier to start the baking if business keeps going the way it has been. Or maybe someone to help Hyun prepare at night." I nod.

"That's great, and yes, we can defiantly do that, if you feel it is needed. You are my eyes and ears; I just perfect the recipes. Let me look at the books with Ye'un to see if one or two new hires are possible. Is she upstairs?" I ask, making my way toward the little stairway to the little office space above the bakery. "She is. I say two if we can do it. We are getting pretty busy." I smile, "Sure thing, thank you, Soo-young. You are amazing." She bows again as we hear the bell and a man in a business suit comes in. I faintly hear Soo-young greet him in Korean as I head upstairs.

"Ye'un?" I call as I near the office. "Leigh!" I hear the gruff voice of the manager over all things numbers for the bakery. "You just could not stay away, could you?" I laugh as the office comes into view. "Of course not." Ye'un is at one of the desks, papers stacked neatly in front of her, her hands hovering over a keyboard. "You all know me so well." She smiles. "I hear business has picked up?" She nods as I come to stand next to her. She is working on the most current week's spreadsheet. I am pretty good with numbers, but the speed that she can balance all the books makes my head spin.

"Oh yes, we've been doing well, as you know, out of the red within the first three months, but this is different. Word of our little bakery has gotten out and we not only have a steady stream but have picked up a good amount not only in the morning but for a lunch hour as well." I nod, scanning the numbers. "Wonderful, I was unsure how well we'd do. How do you feel of adding more staff?" I ask. She nods, "Yes, we can afford two, maybe even up to four more. And they are needed for both prep and service." I go to sit at my own, much smaller desk on the other side of the room. "I'll get an ad out. I think I'll hire one service, mid-morning to close, one prep at night with Hyun and one to help with the early morning baking with Ae-Ra." "Sounds good to me," Ye'un says, already returning to the invoices in front of her. I open my laptop and start preparing the ad. I'll have either Soo-young or Ye'un make sure I have written it correctly before I send it over.

After getting the approval from both Soo-young and Ye'un, I start thinking of what to do to celebrate the bakery's one year anniversary. I think about calling Kayden's cousin, Erin, to see if she might fly out to help me make an elaborate cake. I could bake delicious tasting cakes, but she was able to sculpt and decorate them in so much detail. I check the time, it's almost 1 pm here, so it's about 4 am where she is. So I don't forget, I send her a quick message requesting she give me a call when she woke up for the day. I sit back in my seat, thinking of the different recipes I'd love to try for the summer season and anniversary. I find myself staring at the picture of myself and Yoon-Gi taken outside the bakery the day it opened. It was one of my better days; I was so blissful, excited about the baking and just letting myself be happy. I loved this picture of us, we were out front, we had just posed for a few pictures, and he had turned me to look at him. I don't remember exactly what he said at that moment, but I do remember laughing and trying to hide my face, embarrassed by his words. Rose had snapped a picture, right at the moment that he is smiling so big and I am in the process of bringing my hands to my face to try to hide my laugh. Even before today, I could see the love I have for him in this picture. How happy he makes me.

I am not sure exactly how long I sat at my computer lost in my thoughts and memories, but I come back to my senses and find myself looking out the window into the clouds. I look down at my computer; it's almost two now. The bakery closes in just a few hours; we do not do a dinner service, closing not long after the kids get out of school and have time to come by for a snack. I stand up and stretch. "I think I am going to head it. I have a few people I need to see off to the airport this afternoon," I say to Ye'un. "Sure thing. I'll let you know if we get anyone interested in the positions." I smile, "Thank you, Ye'un." I head downstairs. I hear Hyun already in the back prepping the various doughs for tomorrow's items. He seems to be a bit early, which is terrific.

"Soo-young, are you taking down the times Hyun is getting here? I know how he is about trying not to clock in too early even though I have told him I do not mind." She smiles and pulls a small notepad out of her apron pocket. "Of course. I have Ye'un adjust his payments to match. I've also been checking the cameras to be sure he is not staying after without telling us too. He works so hard." "I know, he is such a wonderful boy, and I know he has been helping his father as well. I want him to get paid for every moment he is here." She nods. "You are a great boss, Leigh. You treat us like family. Helping me the way you did for the wedding…" "You are family. And you deserved every portion of that bonus," I say, getting my crossbody and slinging it over my head. "Oh! Maybe for our one year anniversary, we'll start doing lunch deliveries?" I say. "I think that will go over very well!" she replies. Four regular customers come in right then. "You good, Soo-young?" I ask, pausing before walking around the counter. "Oh yes, you go. I'll see you soon!" I smile and greet the customers, "Jung-Woo, Sun-Ja, Gun, Eun-Soo," I bow to each of them. They bow back, "Min Leigh, congratulations on your daughter's graduation," Eun-Soo says. "Thank you, congratulations on your son's graduation as well. Sun-Ja and Jung-Woo, your children as well. Gun, your son, is enlisting in the military, correct?" I ask, holding the door handle. "Yes, Min Leigh." "You must be so proud," I say. "We are, my wife and I. He is an honorable boy, but studies are not his thing." He seems sad about that part. "No matter, studies are not for everyone. We all have our talents." I smile and receive one in return. "Good day to you all," I saw, one last bow and I step out of the bakery.


	10. Chapter 10

As I am slowly walking toward Bona's coffee shop to meet my two friend's from the states, I check my messages. I usually do not check messages while I am at the bakery if someone needs me they will call, so sometimes I have a fair few. I have six unread messages. I go through them all, answering them quickly. I have one from Rose saying they got to Sidda's fine. One from Sidda saying everyone made it okay and that she made an appointment to see her doctor in two days. I smile. Another message from Ho-Soek telling me he is safe with his family along with an adorable picture of them all. The fourth is from Jin asking me to bake him something since he was cooking dinner for his new girlfriend, he's a fantastic cook, but sometimes forget when he bakes. The next is from Joon, a simple, "The healing begins. Remember I'm here if need be." As I get closer to the coffee shop, I find myself anxious to meet my old friends. These are people that were around when Kayden was alive. Will they see the change in me? I feel so new. I glance up and see them both standing a bit away from the shop. I quickly pause and check my last message, it's from Yoon-Gi. It is another short one. "Gongsugan?" I smile. It's my favorite restaurant in Seoul. I quickly send back a "Yes." And cross the street.

"Leigh," Daniel says, looking up. "Help me settle this. Kimberly here says that it only takes 14 hours to get from here back to Nashville. According to my flight, it will take 18."

"Right, OUR flight is 18 hours because we have one layover, one in Japan and one in Ontario. Two hours each. Our traveling time is 16 hours," Kimberly says, flipping her strawberry blonde hair off her shoulder.

"Well, anytime I've done a straight flight from Seoul to Nashville it's been 16 hours. But that is on the private jet owned by the company. It normally takes about 18-20 hours to get back home though. There are not many flights that go straight from the states to here," I answer.

"See," Kimberly says, sticking her tongue out at Daniel. I laugh, "Come on, have one last cup of coffee with me." I open the door to the shop and motion for them to come in.

"Leigh!" Bona says like we didn't see each other yesterday. "Would you like your regular?" she asks me in Korean. "Yes, please," I answer, also in Korean, turning to Daniel and Kimberly. "What would you guys like?" This was their first visit to me since I moved to Korea and even though they've seen me interact with Yoon-Gi in Korean, their reaction to me here is still so funny. "What?" I ask when they do not answer. They both smile. You'd think they were related the way their actions are in sync sometimes. And the way they fight, they act like brother and sister.

"It's just nice to see you in your home," Daniel says. "I knew you were comfortable here, but it's such a sight to see." I flush. "I'll have whatever Yoon-Gi ordered for me the other day," he adds. "I want to try your drink, Leigh," Kimberly says.

I nod, "Bona, could I also get another of my regular and one Makgeolli, please?" She nods and smiles at Daniel and Kimberly. "Of course. And don't think I didn't find the money you two left last night. It was more than enough for the small cups you two had and this visit. If I find any more, Leigh, I will make a fuss." I laugh and nod.

"Leigh, what is different about you today?" Kimberly asks suddenly. These two people have been my best friends for more than 15 years, so I am not surprised they notice. I do see Bona pausing at her words and narrowing her eyes at me as well. I sigh.

"I knew you'd notice," I say, smiling lightly. I grab their drinks and pass them over. As I reach back to get mine Bona grabs my hand. "It happened didn't it?" she asks me quickly in Korean. I look into her eyes and nod. "Yes, auntie. Just like you said, it would. In an instant, everything snapped into place. The guilt lifted, and my heart is free to love Yoon-Gi properly." She smiles. "Did Kayden visit you as well?" I nod again, "Yes. He made a few appearances last night in many people's dreams," I reply. Her eyes brows raise a bit. "Yoon too?" she asks. I nod, "Yes. I think it made Yoon-Gi feel a bit unsettled." I straighten up and look at my old, wise friend. She seems to be thinking, "This is wonderful news. Just wonderful. I am so happy for you, my young friend." She moves away to help the new customers that just came through the door. I turn to find Daniel and Kimberly settled at a table close to one of the wide windows. I make my way to them.

"Sorry, Bona would not have let me get away until I answered her questions. She can be very…..demanding," I say, sitting on the stool facing out the window. Kimberly waves her hand, "No worries, we knew you'd come to tell us afterward." "Yea, what is it. Kimberly is right you look….not stressed?" Daniel says. I smile, "Yes, I imagine that is how I look." I take a deep breath. "Last night Yoon-Gi and I went for a walk. We came here actually, had a cup of coffee and talked. Well, I talked, he listened. He wanted me to tell him about my life with Kayden." I pause, taking a sip of my drink. "It's was so weird. I mean, he knows most of the story, but he wanted to hear it from my perspective. Anyway, we ended up going home to finish the story." I smile, letting my mind linger on the slow walk home, hand in hand.

"Leigh. Leigh!" Kimberly says. I shake my head. "Goodness lady, you are acting like you just fell in love." I chuckle. "I kinda feel that way. You see. I saw something last night that Yoon-Gi has been very good at hiding from me. He was trying to show me affection. At first, I let him; then I stepped back. Normally I close my eyes, not wanting to see what is in front of me. I didn't this time." I stop, a lump in my throat. "Through my selfishness, I never saw what the guilt I held onto was doing to him. Guys, it was so bad. He looked so defeated. Like, how could I beat down such a strong man? And when did I stop being the one who took care of people?" I look back and forth through them. The exchange a glance. "Anyway, after seeing him like that something in me snapped. It was almost like all of the guilt was replaced with all of the love I have for him. Like, I still love Kayden, that will never change, but I guess I forgave myself for falling n love again. Letting all that go, I finally admitted how much I love Yoon-Gi to myself. And, well, it feels so nice and so right." I finish kind of lamely. I look back and forth between the two; they keep exchanging loaded glances. "What? Guys, come on!"

They both snicker. "We've been waiting for this," Daniel says. "I knew you'd find your way back. And it's about time too cause I was about to try to steal Yoon-Gi away. He's a doll." I slap his arm. "Hey! You used to try to steal my first husband; now you are after my current husband. I feel like you are using me for my men." We all laugh.

"It is so good to see you laugh this way. I see you so free again. I am so happy we were here to witness it," Kimberly says. I smile. "I miss you guys so much," I say. They nod, "You are missed too, but you have a good life here. It's not like we can't see or talk to each other constantly," Kimberly says. Daniel nods, "Yea, and since you finally got us to come here for a change, I expect we'll be back. I'd love to see more, like Sidda's farm and your bakery." I smile. "You two are welcome anytime."

We chat for about another hour until it is getting pretty close to the time for them to head to the airport. We bow to Bona as we leave and I hand a note to the couple coming in, "For your drinks," I saw. If Bona does not let me pay her, I'll pay for someone else.

"I saw that, Leigh!" I hear from behind me. I wave and walk to catch up with Daniel and Kimberly. "What did you do?" Daniel asks. "It sounded like you were getting scolded." "She doesn't like us to pay, so we slip notes under her register, stick them in the coffee cups or give them to other customers to pay for their drinks. She saw me hand money to that couple on our way out." They laugh. "What time is your flight?" I ask, looking down. Even though I love living in Korea, it's hard to say goodbye sometimes. "In two hours," they say in unison. I nod, feeling emotional. "Naw, no sad goodbyes," Kimberly says. I nod and take a breath. When I look up, I smile. "Do you all need any help getting ready to go?" They shake their heads. "Just hugs, I think," Daniel says. I smile even bigger and get on my tiptoes to wrap my arms around his neck. When we release I turn and hug Kimberly as well. I step back. "I love you guys." They both smile. "I love you too," Kimberly says. "Love you too," came from Daniel at the same time. "Be safe and let me know when you board and get home." They both nod and start walking the direction of the bus stop. I watch them until the round the corner. I am so happy they finally got to see my home.

I turn and start to walk toward my house. "Leigh," I hear from behind me. I turn and see my brother-in-law, Jungkook, briskly walking towards me. "I was just coming to your house to try to locate Marie." I put my hand on my hip. "What happened?" I demand. He blinks and gets that classic irritated look on his face.


	11. Chapter 11

"Come on," I say, waving my hand at him. "I just finished having coffee with Daniel and Kimberly, but I haven't heard from Marie today." We start to walk in the direction of my house. I look at my phone, I do have one message, but it's a simple heart from Yoon-Gi. "I saw them getting on the transit. They have a flight today?" he asks, matching his pace to mine. He's being polite, but I can tell he wants to talk about what happened between him and my sister. "They do, just in a few hours." I open my back gate. The backyard is quiet, and it looks like the alarm is still set, so no one is home. I swiftly deactivate the alarm and go to the outdoor bar. I grab a glass and proceed to make myself some ice water. "Before you start talking, do you need a drink?" I ask. He smiles, "Yes, please, noona." I smile, noona probably being the favorite thing any of the guys call me. I pour him a glass of water and motion for him sit on one of the stool. He does, anxiety radiating off of him.

"What happened?" I ask. You'd think this boy was my flesh and blood brother; I love him so. "And try to talk slow, please?" I add. He smiles again. He takes a drink of water and a deep breath. He stares at the counter, his eyes wide like he does when he's stressed.

"I want to go back on tour. I want to perform again," he says quietly. I am a bit confused, so I pause a few moments to see if he has anything to add. "Kook, I am not sure I understand," I admit when he doesn't continue. He blinks and turns those doe eyes to mine. "I thought that was the plan. For all of you. One last tour as BTS?" They have all been so busy getting ready for the tour, and then they all have their side projects, and they are all involved in some way with the company and the newest group.

He nods. "It is. But I don't want to stop there. I love to perform. I love to produce too and do all the behind the scenes things, but performing is where my heart it." I nod, sipping my water. "We all know that. Why did that become a fight? You will do a wonderful job as a soloist." I pause, my eyes narrowing. "Hang on, Marie doesn't want you to?" He shakes his head. "No, she doesn't," he whispers. I can tell he doesn't want to tell me. "Are you afraid I will agree with her?" I ask. He tilts his head to one side and slow nods. "You are mistaken, my friend. Marie knew you loved to perform when you started dating when you got married. It's selfish of her to turn your desire into a fight." Just then my phone dings to let me know I have a message. Jung-kook looks at my phone at the same time I do. I swear they have a sixth sense about when the other is calling/messaging, around, etc. because the message is from Marie.

 _Sissy, Kookie is with you, isn't he?_

I smile and look at him. "You want me to tell her you are here?"

"I guess so. You are pretty good at helping us understand each other." I snicker. "If you two would just talk to each other instead of talking at each other," I say under my breath. This time he snickers. "Yea, we are both super stubborn." I nod in agreement.

 _Yes, he's at the house. Where are you?_

 _Bona's_

 _Come on, let's talk it out._

I put my phone back on the table. "She was at Bona's. She's on her way here." He looks panicked. I cock my head, "Why that look?" I ask. He starts picking at a small mole on his cheek. "I don't want her to leave me, but I don't want to have to choose between her and my career. Losing either will make me miserable. And I'm selfish." I smile sadly at him. They are not super young, but sometimes they both still act like children. "I feel that it will not come to that."

"I think she is ready to have children, but Leigh, I am so scared to be a father. My father was wonderful; the hyung's were wonderful as well. Watching Yoon-Gi hyung help you with your girls was such a learning experience, but I just don't know if I can do that." I reach over and touch his hand. "Jung-kook, you are not the baby you think you are. I've seen you with Hobi's children, with Nam-Joon's. You will be an amazing father when the time comes." He smiles. "You think so?" he asks. I straighten up. "Yes, I really, really do."

I hear the front door open and close. I turn and see Marie pulling her shoes off. "We're at the bar," I call.

"The bar?" she says sarcastically. "Already?" I hear her mumble. I raise my eyebrows. "I'm sorry, is there an issue with that?" I ask. My sister and I are a lot alike; I am a bit rough around the edges when she is normally a bit more reserved. She is 15 years younger than me, and her mother was not the best role model, but I tried my best to be a strong female figure for her and our brothers. Kookie is frozen at the tone of my voice and Marie looks at me. "It's a bit early for drinks, don't you think?" I raise my eyebrows, "No, I don't actually. It's almost 5 pm. It is a fine time to have a drink. But, since you are worried, Kook and I just have water." She puts her eyes on the floor.

"Sorry, sissy," she says. "No sorry needed, just remember, my house we drink when we feel like drinking," I say simply. I wave her to sit next to her husband. She doesn't look at him, but his eyes do not leave her as soon as she comes in sight. She sits on the stool furthest from him; he turns toward her. "Marie…" he says softly. She closes her eyes but doesn't answer.

"There's no point in doing the silent treatment, Marie. You came here because you wanted to deal with this," I say a bit sharply. "Before I say anything else, I've heard Kook's side, what is yours?" She looks at me. She's trying to stay angry, but I can tell there is something else she is trying to hide. "I know how much Kookie wants to go back on tour. They all do," she begins, looking down. "But I don't want him to go solo," she whispers, closing her eyes, a tear escaping. He looks like he's been slapped in the face. You can tell he's getting angry.

"Don't react, wait," I say to him, he looks at me and immediately looks down. "Why?" I asked turning back to Marie. What she says is not completely unexpected, but she still says it is extremely fast in English. "I am afraid because of all the girls that throw themselves at him. I've seen it. And most of them are beautiful. I am scared to lose him if he goes alone." I see Kookie's face relax and a smile crosses his face.

"You silly woman. That is insane," he says to her, quickly walking to her side and grabbing her into a hug. "I love you; I want to be with you and build our life together. I just love to perform. And I figure you'd just come with me." She snuggles into his chest. "I'm sorry. I still don't understand why you picked me." He laughs, "I ask myself the same thing about why you picked my spoiled ass every day." He says.

I smile and roll my eyes. "Marie, even if you didn't go, you have to trust Jung-kook. He is not the type of person to ever go back on his vows." She nods, and he loosens his grip a bit. "I know. I really do. I don't know why I let this fear grab ahold of me." I shrug. "It happens. Just remember who he is, who you are and the love you share. That's all that matters." They look at each other and smile.

"You two have got to talk to each other. You've been together for three years, officially, and married for more than a year. If you keep coming me just so you two will be honest with each other, I'm going to start charging you." They laugh as I take a drink. "You think I am kidding." That makes them laugh harder. I raise my eyebrows at them. "I'm serious. Kook, do you remember how much my office used to charge you? How much do you think I would have charged for marriage counseling?" He scrunches his nose, still chuckling.


	12. Chapter 12

"Marriage counseling?" I hear from behind me. "Who needs marriage counseling?" I turn, a smile spreading across my face. I see Yoon-Gi pulling off his shoes by the front door. He looks up and smiles in response. "My sister and brother in law," I say. He smirks and walks to me, pulling me into a tight hug. "I missed you today," I say. He pulls back, "Yea?" I nod, "Yea. I got pretty distracted thinking about things at the bakery. I barely got anything done." His smile meets his eyes. He looks over my head to Jung-kook and Marie. "What are you two fighting about this time?" he asks. I snort as Jung-kook narrows his eyes. "What? You two don't talk to each other. Now, what was it?" I step away. Marie hides her face and Jung-kook says quickly in Korean, "Marie is nervous about me going solo after our tour. She thinks I'll leave her for someone else. Or a fan might win me over and end up in my bed."

Yoon-Gi's smile fades. "I'm sorry, Marie. I didn't mean to poke fun," Yoon-Gi says. He walks to them and pulls Jung-kook away. "Let me talk to my little sister," he says. Jung-kook steps back a bit and Yoon-Gi takes Marie's hand. Kookie and I exchange a glance, he's still upset, but I just slightly nod and smile. He relaxes the littlest bit, but I know her worries are still upsetting him. He's trying to figure out how to fix it. Marie doesn't look at Yoon-Gi, you can tell she's embarrassed and understood exactly what Jung-kook said, even though he tried to say it quickly in Korean since she is not as fluent. I always find it funny how they try hard to speak in their native languages hoping the other might not catch everything. "Marie. Listen to me." She looks at him. "I really didn't mean to poke fun, but Kook is not going to leave you. Of course, he loves the fans, we all do, but that is different than the love he has for you. I know that you feel like you are not worthy or whatever it is you tell yourself, but it's not true." He steps back and looks at Jung-kook. "He's an asshole, I wonder why you deal with him. I mean, yea, he's handsome, but he's an ass. He can sing, but he's mean. I think you get my point."

Jung-kook snickers, "Oh yea. Cause you deserve a woman like Leigh. You are just as much of an ass as I am. Who taught me to be such an asshole?" Yoon-Gi crosses his arms, "Yea. You are right. Jung-kookie, we fucking suck." We all start laughing. I walk over to them. "And we, my sister and I, love you both regardless," I say, hugging Yoon-Gi around the waist.

I look at Marie, tears in her eyes. "You need to let this one go, child. Kookie without performing is like lungs without breath. It will never, ever matter what type of woman throws themselves at him. He loves you. He takes that love extremely serious and would never do anything to break that bond with you. This is not just trusting. This is respect. For you, for himself, for your love." I let go of Yoon-Gi and look toward Kookie, reaching my hand out for his. He looks at me and takes my hand. I pull him back to Marie and put his hand in hers. "You two are so silly. But, then again, if this is the worst of the fights you get into, I'll take it." They both smile sheepishly.

"I'm sorry, Marie," Kookie says, taking her other hand. "I shouldn't have gotten so angry." She nods, "Maybe. But I should have told you what was wrong. I am sorry I stormed out." I step back to Yoon-Gi. He puts his arm around my shoulders as I wrap one around his waist. I look up at him and smile. "You are such a good big brother to all these siblings you have chosen." He snickers. "I have too many. So many little siblings to look out for. I am surprised I do not have gray hair…oh, wait," he runs his hair through his hair, the silver locks falling into his face. His most recent choice of hair color. I laugh, "You are so weird." He looks down at me, a smile on his face. My heart feels so full when looking into his beautiful face.

He turns away, to Marie and Jung-kook, who are talking quietly to one another. "Punks, why are you still at my bar? Go, have make-up sex or whatever it is you two do after a fight, and let us go to dinner." They both flush, the effect I am sure Yoon-Gi was looking for, but they also start smiling. Marie stands, hand in hand with Jung-kook. "Thank you for your help, Sissy, Yoon-Gi," she says. I nod and Yoon-Gi slightly bows. "Yes, thank you, as always, Leigh. Thank you for never turning me away when I need someone to speak to," Jung-kook says. I smile at him. "Anytime. You know I'll always be here for you. I love you." "Dude, what am I? No thank you to me?" Yoon-Gi says. Jung-kook rolls his eyes. "Yea, hyung. Thank you for letting me chill at your bar and talk to my sister." I giggle. "Gah, that's how you speak to me? And here I thought you loved me." They smile at each other and Marie pulls Jung-kook toward the front door. "Bye," I call, cleaning up the glasses I got out and checking my phone. Just one message from Rose saying they were on the train back. I look up at Yoon-Gi, who is also checking his phone.

"How did things go that the company?" I ask, heading to put my shoes on. I hear a slight growl of frustration behind me. "Those boys. I swear, if I was that much trouble I have no idea how we were not killed in our sleep." I snicker. "From what I understand you were that much trouble." "You can't believe everything people tell you about me from the past." He says, also pulling on a pair of shoes. "I don't, but some of the stories, my Yoon-Gi, I do. They make sense." I stand and reach for his hand. "Driving or bus?" I ask. He stands and takes my hand. "Bus." I pull him out the back door and wait for him to set the alarm. "Nope, driving," I say, getting my keys from my bag and looking at him, raising my eyebrow. He response with the same. We both crouch down, getting ready to run. Whomever makes it to the car first gets their way. It's an old game we've played for a while, he started it with Rose and Nova when we first moved here. "One," he says. "Two," I reply. "Three!" we say together, a half of a heartbeat later. I bolt to the gate, pulling it open quickly, but I know he's right behind me, he has much longer legs than me. I pull the gate behind me a bit and hear him curse slightly. I run the 30 or so feet to the garage as I push the button to open the door. I turn slightly to glance behind me, but slow when I don't see anyone. It's not very dark, so I should be able to see him. I immediately get concerned, product of my past I guess. I stop, turning all the way around, "Yoon-Gi?" I call. I hear a sound behind me and see him sitting on top of my car, a smile spreads across his face.

"What the hell?" I walk up to him. "Cheater." He chuckles. "You are getting slow in your old age, woman." He jokes. I laugh. "Maybe. I am almost 50." He rolls his eyes, "Yea and you act like a child." I grab his hand and pull him off the hood of my car. "Alright you pouty baby, let's take the bus." He pulls me into a hug. "Naw, we can take the car, I just don't like to lose," he says, kissing my forehead. I close my eyes and sigh. How much I missed while rejecting my feelings. "Oh, no, parking is horrible right now." I say, remembering trying to park in the area when taking Mary there a few days ago. "The bus it is," he says and starts pulling me down the street. "Wait, your legs are longer than mine," I protest, almost losing my balance. "And I'm a klutz."

We ride the bus in silence, both of us taking turns playing with each other's fingers. The bus stop is about a block from the restaurant, but I love to walk here. "Did you reserve, already?" I ask. Tokkijung serves home-cooked style food but is almost always busy. "I did," he answers. Yoon-Gi matches his pace to mine, in no hurry to do much of anything. It will not be long before he's not going to have to time sleep, much less have a leisurely dinner with me. "Have you heard from Rose and company?" he asks as he opens the door to the restaurant for me. "Yea, I got a message they are on their way back before we left the house." We hear a greeting from the counter and Yoon-Gi waves in response. They wave us back knowing us from previous visits. We are lead downstairs to our favorite area, the basement/pub. The table waiting for us is small with two comfortable chairs stationed close together. We sit, bowing and thanking the worker who seated us.

"What are you going to get?" I ask, trying to decide if I am in the mood for a drink. Yoon-Gi leans his head on his hand and answers, "Udon, I think." I nod. "I think I'd like the Tofu Udon tonight." I look over at the bar and ponder what type of drink to order. I feel Yoon-Gi's gaze on me, so I turn to him. His gaze is pretty intense, and I find myself flushing. "What?" I ask. He smiles and keeps staring. "You're beautiful, you know that?" he says. I shake my head no and look away. "Min Yoon-Gi, what is with you?"

Just then the waitress comes up and asks for our order. Yoon-Gi orders Creamy Curry Udon and a local draft beer. I the order my Tofu Udon, a glass of water and a glass of Bokbunja. The waitress smiles and walks away to place our order. Yoon-Gi sits back and crosses his arms. "What are you planning for the 1st anniversary of the bakery?" he asks. I shouldn't be surprised that he remembered, but I am a bit. I also sit back, resting against the chair. "I emailed Kayden's cousin from the states, Erin, the one that is good at cakes? I think I will see if I can either get her to Skype help be make a recreation of the bakery or fly her in to help me herself. I figure, since the anniversary lands on a Sunday, we'd do specials throughout the weekend. I have been looking through my Grandmother's old recipes. I think I have a few directions to go." Yoon-Gi nods, "Nothing to big?" I shake my head, "No, I think I'll keep it small. But, I do need your opinion of something." I sit forward, elbows on my knees and put my hands under my chin. "What do you think about the bakery doing a lunch delivery service?"

The bartender then brings us our drinks and chats with Yoon-Gi for a few moments before heading back to the bar. We both take a sip, and he answers, "I think it might be a good thing. At least, for the area. If you get much bigger we might have to open another location on the other side," he says. I kinda choke on my drink. "Really? You think it will be that popular?" He nods. "It already is. The trainees never shut up about it, not that they can have it often." I roll my eyes at that; I hate the diets the trainees put themselves on. I understand having a healthy diet, but they put too much pressure on themselves. "I know, Leigh, I know," he says, holding up his hand. I'm pretty vocal about these diets for trainees. "But yes, I think if you start offering a delivery service another location will need to happen eventually." Our food shows up at that moment, the smell is amazing, as always.

Yoon-Gi and I eat in companionable silence; we are not a couple who speak much while eating. We both like to enjoy our food thoroughly. It's different if we are entertaining at home, but if it's us or a small grouping, we are generally pretty quiet until finish with our food.

I end up finishing my food first, I normally do not eat much, buying one meal for me normally feeds me once or twice more. I sit back, sipping my drink and checking my emails and messages. Yoon-Gi quietly finishes his food as well. He calls the bartender over and asks him to pack our food up and send it to the local shelter. Yoon-Gi grew up having to make the tough decision between walking two hours home or eating. If he ate, he couldn't take the bus home. Anytime he can give to someone who has less, he does. He has the biggest heart in such a tough exterior.

He looks over at me and raises his eyebrows, "What?" I shake my head, "Nothing." He smiles. "I'll be right back." He stands and disappears upstairs. I know he's paying the note, he doesn't like it when I do. I sit back and look around. This is the first restaurant Yoon-Gi brought me to when I finally said yes to a date. We sat at this same table — both of us so awkward. I close my eyes and let my thoughts wander…..


	13. Chapter 13

_About six years ago_

"I cannot believe I am going on a date at my age," I say to Sidda. I tug at my shirt. Yoon-Gi said it was a very casual restaurant, so I wear my normal, skinny jeans, and long sleeved thermal with a Harley Quinn t-shirt over it. "Momma, you are not that old, you are only 42. And Yoon-Gi has been in love with you for at least a year. This is all silly. You love him too." I hang my head. How is me going on a date not a slap in the face to Kayden? "I wish you would just let yourself love him. It's ok you know," she whispers. I nod. "I do know. It hasn't changed the rest." I look up, looking at her through the mirror I am facing. "I'm going on the date, aren't I?" She smiles and yawns. I turn toward her. "Yea, it's about time, she mutters."

"Tired?" I ask. "Yea. I think I am still jet-lagged even though I slept for 12 hours. I even missed half of my first class." I laugh. I told you to take a flight a few days beforehand." "Yea, I know. But I don't listen." She stretches back on my bed. She has grown into such an amazing woman. She is in her last year to become an Art teacher. She has gotten used to the new routine, but I know it was hard on my girls to make the changes they did in the last few months.

"Hey," I ask. Sidda opens her eyes and looks at me questioning. "Tell me the truth. Is everyone settling ok? Your sisters? I know it is such a huge change." She sits up on one elbow. "Yea, it was hardest for Rose, I think, still being in high school, but they both love it here too. Nova is still struggling with the language, but the people at the university are beneficial to us both." I nod. "Good, I want you all to be comfortable."

"We are," she yawns.

After coming to South Korea a fair amount of times over the last year and a half I, well, all of us really, fell in love with everything. So three months ago I decided to move here. Rose, at 17, was the only one who had to come with me. She wouldn't turn 18 until after she graduates high school, so there was not an option. I told Nova and Sidda that since our house back in the States was completely paid off that they could stay there to finish college as long as they took care of the bills and the house. They both decided they wanted to come too, which made me very happy. It's been the girls and me for a long time now.

"Momma!" I hear Nova call from downstairs. "Yea?" I call back, standing and checking my watch. It's still 30 minutes until Yoon-Gi said he'd be here to pick me up. I look at Sidda and say, "Will you make sure Rose doesn't stay up too late playing games with Jimin, please?" She nods, "Of course, Momma." "Thank you, my baby. I love you," I say and go out the door and down the narrow steps. "Nova?" I ask, looking around. The front door is closed, and I am not sure which side she called from, the living area to the left or the kitchen to the right. "Kitchen," I hear Rose call. I turn to the right and go down the short hall to the kitchen. "What's up?" I ask. I walk into the kitchen and look towards the breakfast bar, their favorite place to hang out before ending their night.

I see Rose and Nova sitting on the stools with Jimin in the background rummaging through the refrigerator. Jimin turns and says, "I'm sorry, noona. I was so hungry." I roll my eyes. "Jimin, you might as well live here, I don't care." He smiles and grabs some leftover tteokbokki. "It's a bit spicier than you normally would like it," I warn. "It's ok," he says, grabbing a pair of chopsticks and coming to sit next to Nova to eat.

"Ok, so what's up?" I repeat, looking at the three of them. "Jimin was just telling us something funny about practice today, is all," Rose says, smiling. I cross my arms. "Yea?" Jimin turns away. "And I bet it has something to do with Yoon-Gi and our date, huh?" I smile at the thought. Nova snickers. "Yea, something along the lines of how you haven't stopped talking about it all day, apparently neither has Yoon-Gi." I flush and look down. The girls begin to laugh. I can't help but smile along with them. "Look at Momma's face," I hear Rose say. "I know, it's almost painful to watch. Momma, is this how you felt when we went on our first dates?" Nova asked. I snicker. "Probably." "You two stop messing with your mother. It's not respectful," Jimin says between bites. I look at the three of them. Sometimes they all act like actual siblings instead of Jimin adopting us when he was 25. He's 14 years older than Rose, but after Kayden passed away, they formed a bond that seems stronger than brother and sister. It took him no time at all to start telling everyone they were his little sisters. "Thank you, Jimin. They seem to forget that as they get older." I go over to the kitchen and load the few things from the sink into the dishwasher.

"Oh, Momma," Sidda says from the doorway. "Huh?" I ask, reaching for Jimin's bowl to rinse and add to the dishes. He waves my hand away and comes over, does it himself. "Marie called earlier while you were at work. She'll be here on the 30th." I nod, "I knew she'd come quicker than she said. She loves it here almost as much as I do. I bet you she doesn't leave either. She said something about looking for a job during our last conversation." My sister was thrilled when I said we were moving to Seoul. I brought her here the first time when she was 17 and, just like me, she fell in love.

"Your sister is coming for a visit?" Jimin asks coming to stand beside me. I turn and look at his face; he has that mischievous look. "Yea. She'll be here about two months," I answer, raising my eyebrow. His smile widens. "Oh, she's celebrating her birthday here?" I nod, "Yes, my dad and the boys will be here closer to their birthday. I think I'll take them on the Sea train." "I cannot wait to tell Jung-kook, and she'll be here for his birthday too," Jimin says under his breath. "What?" I say. Since Marie is 15 years younger than me, I am just as protective over her as I am my daughters.

"Oh my god, Mom," Nova says from her seat. I can almost hear her eyes roll. "Kook has had a crush on Marie FOREVER. You are so blind to be so observant." I feel my eyebrow furrow. "I won't tell him if you don't want me to, noona. I'll even tell him to back off if you want me too," Jimin says, misinterpreting my look. I smile softly at him, "No need for that. My looks were for my daughters choice of words, not the information on Kook. I knew he used to have a crush on her, but isn't he seeing someone right now? Su-ji?"

"Not anymore. They didn't have much in common and didn't get along very well," Jimin answers. Just then the bell rings. Except for glancing at the clock, I find myself frozen. "It's Yoon-Gi-Hyung," Jimin says. "He is always on time." All eyes turn to me. I feel my face flush again.

"I'll get the door, you guys unthaw Momma," Rose says, hopping up. Sidda smiles a smile that should belong to someone older than her 23 years. Nova stands and smiles at me too. Jimin throws his arm around my shoulders. "I do not understand why you and hyung are acting this way. It's been clear to the hyungs and me that Yoon-Gi developed feelings for you long before he admitted it to himself. And you care for us all, but you have a special bond with him. I can see it each time you look at him. The love in your eyes is so clear." I smile at him, he's such a sweet person, he's so good at making you feel better no matter what. "Well, that was easy," Nova says, clapping her hands together, "Thanks Jimin. I'm not good at the touchy-feely, kinda like my Mom." She winks at me. Sidda keeps smiling, content and relief on her face.

We hear Rose and Yoon-Gi talking at the front door. Our apartment in Seoul is not very big, so it's very evident when others are near. "Rose, are you well?" we hear Yoon-Gi asking, talking in standard Korean. He knows she is still shaky on the different dialects from the country, so her refrains from using them very much when speaking directly to her. "Yes, Yoon-gi-ssi. I love my studies. They are much more interesting here than back home," she answers. Their voices are growing close. "You are getting much better at your Korean, good job. Do you eat enough at school?" he asks as they come into view. I cannot help but smile. His face never fails to put a smile on my face. When he is serious, he sticks his full bottom lip out slightly making him look like he is pouting. In these times he also throws in his satoori tone, making him words sound gruff. Today he has his hands behind his back as he concentrates on what Rose is saying. I let my eyes trail down and let out a small huff when I see that we have dressed similarly — jeans, baggy t-shirt over a more fitted long sleeved one. "Yes, they have such a wonderful selection, so I eat well. Thank you." She replies to him, looking up at me and smiling.

Yoon-Gi's eyes follow hers and meet mine. He also smiles and says, "Leigh. You look beautiful." I snort. "You do too, seeing how we dressed exactly alike." This side I never have trouble showing to Yoon-Gi. We have very similar personalities, and he's always loved that I don't hesitate to say what is on my mind. He looks at my outfit. "That we did." His eyes slide to the left of me to where Jimin is, arm still around my shoulders. His eyes narrow just a bit, the way they always do when he sees one of the guys casually touching me. I used to find it irritating, but lately, I kinda think it's cute. "Jimin, I should have known you'd be here. Raiding Leigh's fridge again?" Jimin removes his arm and smiles at his brother.

"Leigh cooks very well and doesn't fuss if I eat what I want. And I wanted to help Rose with her work if she had any, like a good big brother," Jimin says in his classic pout. "Honestly, Yoon-Gi, I love having Jimin over. He almost always has a sense joy surrounding him and he puts me at ease," I comment. Yoon-Gi smirks and Jimin smiles. "He has a way of doing that." Yoon-Gi motions toward the front door. "Shall we?" I clasp my hands together and nod, following him to the shoe nook. We both pull on our boots in silence.

"You two look so funny," Nova says, watching us from the kitchen doorway. "Momma, stop being weird. It's Yoon, you've known him for years. He's the one who got you talking and smiling again." I smile at her. "You're right." I grab my bag off the hook and pat my pocket to be sure my phone is there. "Good night all," I call into the house. "Rose, do not stay up late, you have school tomorrow. Jimin, you are welcome to stay the night if you do not want to take the bus home later. The spare bedroom is already made up for you." I hear Sidda call, "Night, Momma." Rose calls, "Alright, Mom, I know." Then Jimin, "Thank you, noona!" I smile towards their voices. "Have a good time tonight, Momma. We're fine. Stop worrying," Nova says. "Good night, Nova," Yoon-Gi says, opening the door for me. I step out of the door and wait on the small sidewalk for Yoon-Gi to meet me.


	14. Chapter 14

"Where are we going?" I ask as we start to walk toward the bus stop. I haven't gotten a car yet, so we always use public transportation unless one of the guys brings their car. "It's a restaurant I think you'll love called Tokkijung. It stays pretty busy, but they have a table waiting for us." Even though I've visited Seoul many times over the last 10 or so years living here is very different than just visiting. I find something new every day.

Yoon-Gi and I walk in companionable silence toward the stop. I stand off to the side a bit, away from the crowd of people also waiting for the bus. A few youngers girls notice Yoon-Gi and begin to whisper excitedly. They couldn't be more than 13. I nudge his arm and nod toward them, smiling. I love watching him interact with ARMY. Of course, they are not allowed to take pictures or anything out of respect, but he normally will talk with them. He gives them a small wave and turns to me. "How was work?" he asks. I am still a bit distracted by the whispers behind him, not so quiet anymore. He takes my hand, noticing my distraction and starts playing with my fingers. "It was fine. Normal work day, people needing to work through feelings and problems," I say, looking at our hands. "How do you like your new office?" he asks.

"She's American. Can't you hear her accent?" I hear from behind Yoon-Gi. I don't look up, but I pause. Yoon-Gi continues to play with my hand.

"It's beautiful. Thank you for helping me find it. The view is very pleasing. It puts my clients and me at ease," I answer.

"She looks old enough to be my mom," another girl says boldly. I look at Yoon-Gi when I hear that, scanning the others in my peripheral vision. Some people in the crowd also notice Yoon-Gi, who is calmly playing with my hand. I see one old lady smile as she takes us in, but most everyone else just looks away. He's so good at this, but it is not something I am used to. I normally fade into the background when I am out with any of the guys for fear of rumors. I don't like when they have controversy, so if I can prevent it, I will. But Yoon-Gi wanted to be public about it, so I gave in to his wishes. I take a breath and follow his lead, "How was practice today? Did you all get the new routine down?" He looks up and me and smiles. I smile back automatically. "Yes, I think we finally got it. Man, I swear Sung is trying to kill us with this one."

The bus arrives just then. We wait until everyone else gets on before stepping on. The bus is packed. There is only one seat. Yoon-Gi still has ahold of my hand and pulls me over to it and sits down. I smirk. "Really?" I say. "What? I danced all day." He says. He smirks back and quickly pulls me into his lap. "What the?" I say in surprise. He can be exceptionally quick when he wants to be. I try to get up, but he firmly grabs my waist. "No, please stay here until someone else moves," he asks. I look at him and almost melt in his brown eyes. "Alright," I say. "But I think this date has too much PDA, Yoon-Gi. We're moving too fast. Think of all the rumors in Fan Café later." He laughs. "I've been looking forward to holding your hand for a very long time. Making you sit on my lap is a bonus," he says quietly. I flush. "It's amazing the things you think about when you let your thoughts wander. I find myself thinking about tracing the veins in your hand often." He holds my hand up, the sunset reflecting a beautiful orange on our skin. "See how soft they look? How delicate? I've wondered for a while how they have so much strength. Then, see here," He turns it over to look at the back of my hand, "See how you can see the veins? How they disappear as your skin gets darker?" I am enthralled at the amount of attention he is giving my hand. He traces my vein almost absently — the bus empties, including the seat next to us. I swiftly move to sit on the empty seat. He miles at my movement, but doesn't comment.

"So, you think about playing with my hands in your spare time?" I say, taking his hand and tracing the veins under his skin. He's paler than I am so the veins not only stand out on his hands but his forearms as well. "What a waste of precious time," I mutter, but feeling flattered. Yoon-Gi intertwines his fingers with mine. We ride in silence, both of us enjoying watching the others on the bus. It's nice to be sitting hand in hand with this man. If I am honest with myself, I have wanted to hold his hand like this for a long time too. If I am completely honest, I have longed to be able to spend time alone with him for a long time as well. He has wished it as well.

I find myself staring out of the window. I love this city. It is so different than any other place I have lived in my life. The bus slows to a stop, and Yoon-Gi lightly pulls on my hand. "This is us." I stand and bow my head as we head off the bus. The little lady I noticed earlier catches my eye and smiles. I bow, trying to remember to be respectful in the Korean manner. She nods back. I don't know what it was about her smile, but it gives me confidence. I raise my head a bit and take a settling breath as we step into the street.

The street we are on is a busy, people trying to make their way home after a long day. I don't notice Yoon-Gi stepping away while I am admiring some purposeful graffiti close us until he steps back, a single dark purple tulip in hand. I flush again, hesitantly taking the flower from him. "Come on," he says, grabbing my other hand and pulling me up the street and around the corner.

If the restaurant didn't have a line out of the door, you could miss it. It looks more like a small house instead of a restaurant and is in-between two other businesses. As we are walking toward the entrance Yoon-Gi is quickly typing something on his phone. We only pause for a few moments in front of the door before we are ushered in.

 _Present_

"Leigh?" Yoon-Gi says, snapping me out of my memories. "You ok?" He asks. He is squatting next to me, looking up at me as he lightly touches my face. I smile, "Yes. I just remembered our first date. Well, the events leading up to us coming here." He smiles, stands and reaches his hand out for mine. I gladly take it and let him pull me up. "Do you remember fondly?" he asks as we walk up the stairs toward the exit. "I do. Very much so. I remember you at the bus stop." We bow to the workers as we leave. "Yea? I remember that as well. I was outraged." I raise my eyebrows as we slowly walk toward the bus stop. "Really? You didn't show it," I say, surprised. "Oh yes." He pulls my arm to stop me and turns me to face him. "I couldn't believe those silly children, who look at me and see this beauty, who dream of what it would be like to be in a relationship with me, couldn't see your beauty." He runs one finger from my temple to my chin. I lean my head toward his hand. "I am still in shock that you have never seen my age," I admit. He laughs. "Silly. You are only nine years older than me. That is not a long time. Plus, beauty and love do not understand age." I laugh with him and pull him to the stop since the bus is pulling up.

After getting settled into our seats, I look at Yoon-Gi. "You know that was the first time I saw Bona." He turns and looks at me. "Really? I thought you met her after visiting my house the first time." I nod. "Yes, that is when I first met her, but she was catching the bus that day. She gave me the sweetest smiles when she caught my eye. It gave me confidence. I guess I figured if an older Korean woman could find the feeling to smile at seeing us together then why shouldn't I?" He nods "See," I start, turning a bit in my seat to look at him. "Kayden and my guilt was not my only reason to pause. I had so many. Our age difference, me not being able to give you a child of your own, how your family would feel, how my family would feel, ARMY and, well, the welcome I'd get here, where I wanted to build my life." He looks at me, studying my face with his deep brown eyes. When the days get darker, his eye color almost turns black. It is the most beautiful thing. "I love you so much, Min Yoon-Gi. Thank you for never giving up on me." He smiles. "I would never. You have no idea how much those words mean to me," he says. I lean my head on his shoulder, and he automatically puts his arm around mine.

"I wonder if the kids are home yet," he says after a few moments. I pull my phone out of my pocket. I have a few messages, one email from Kayden's cousin Erin, a message for Marie thanking me again for helping her and Kookie and one from Sidda asking what to do about nausea. I giggle and show that message to Yoon-Gi. He smirks, "Already?" I nod, "Oh yea. If she's lucky, it'll stop in a month or two, but most of it lasts full term and all day." I tell her to try ginger; it was the best. I send a quick message to Marie telling her next time it's 20,000 won. I'll reply to Erin in a bit. I set my phone down.

"I imagine they are probably back. I wonder how Mary liked Sidda's farm. They've done so much work to it that I bet it looks completely different." Yoon-Gi stretches out our interlinked hands as he stretches his arms. "We'll need to go visit before the tour. Ug, the tour," he says, letting our hands drop back into his lap. I laugh. "You love it," I say, poking his ribs. He pulls away, "No, I like it now. I used to love it. But now it takes time away from you." I sit up. "Do you want me to come with you this time?" I ask. He's been on five tours since w officially became a couple. I've always just met him on a few stops, so he wasn't distracted and could have his space like he likes to have when he is tired. He looks at me. "Yea? You'd come for the whole tour?" he asks. "It's about seven months this time, hardly any stopping so we can see as many ARMY as possible." I stop for a minute. The girls are grown, the bakery can handle itself, nothing is making me stay here full term. "Why not?" I ask. "Unless you don't want me to come," I say in a pout. He sticks his tongue out at me. "I've wanted you to come since I admitted I was in love with you," he says, suddenly looking down. This action confuses me. Why would he be embarrassed about that statement?


	15. Chapter 15

The bus pulls up to our stop, and we silently climb down. I stop in front of him and turn. "What is it?" I ask. In the darkness, I see that his face is a bit flushed. "I was thinking of the night I admitted I was in love with you. I knew it in my heart but rejected it. It made me so miserable." He takes my hand again, and we start walking home. "Why would you be embarrassed about the memory?" I asked, not sure about how the words coming after would make me feel. I can tell he is pondering his words carefully. He does this sometimes when he wants to make sure he can express himself exactly right to avoid confusions. As we walk around to come in the backyard, we hear music lightly drifting out. "Can we talk about it later?" he asks. "Of course we can," I answer, looking at him and smiling. He smiles back in response, but I can tell he is worried I am upset. I look in his eyes. "It's ok," I say. I wait just a moment to make sure he relaxes a bit before I pull him into the backyard.

Nova, Liam, Mary, Rose, Jimin and Jin are all sitting around the stone fire pit. "Hey guys," I say when they look up. We hear a chorus of hellos. "Jimin, Jin-hyung," Yoon-Gi says, going to the bar to make himself a drink, "Why are you always at my house?" I snicker and join him. He is making himself a whiskey on the rocks, I point to it and back to myself as I listen to Jin answer, "You are just so much fun to be around, Yoon-Gi." Yoon-Gi hands me my drink and grimaces. "When did that happen?" he asks, pouting. I laugh along with everyone else. Yoon-Gi looks at me, narrowing his eyes, "It's you! You made me soft!" he says, pointing an accusing finger at me. This makes everyone else laugh harder. "Aww, my poor Yoonie." I walk to him and kiss his cheek, "I'm so sorry I've made you desirable to your friends who have loved you for about half your life. Who desired to spend time with you long before we ever met." He sticks his bottom lip out a bit more. I lightly kiss him on his lips, and he automatically smiles. "You are forgiven," he says, wrapping his arms around my waist. He leans down and lightly kisses my lips again. I close my eyes, and we continue, our soft kiss becoming more intense as the moment's pass.

A small cough pulls us apart; it sounded like Jimin. I look over at our family, immediately going red as the way I am curved around Yoon-Gi's body was not really for others to see. I try to step away, but Yoon-Gi tightens his grip. "What? We're in our second honeymoon phase, deal with it." I snicker and hide my face in his chest. "Oh no, it's nice to see. Well, it made my face a bit red, but still nice to see," Jin says. I smile at him. You can tell by the look on his face that he heard the story of what happened last night. I glance at Jimin who is also smiling.

Yoon-Gi redirects his focus to Mary as he loosens his grip on me enough to step back to where he has one arm around my waist. "Mary, how did you like Tae and Sidda's?" he asks. I take a sip of my drink and glance back at Jimin. He hasn't taken his eyes off me, and I can tell he's a bit worried about something. He still has a slight smile on his face as Mary, Nova and Rose talk about the trip and the farm with Yoon-Gi. I raise my eyebrow and slightly nod toward the back door. His smile becomes even more pronounced, and he slightly nods. I pull Yoon-Gi down to whisper in his ear. "Jimin needs to talk to me; we'll be right back." Yoon-Gi just slightly nods in response. Jimin is already heading into the back door, and I follow him.

The house is slightly dark. I pull my shoes off by the door and look around. I don't see Jimin in the kitchen, so I walk into the living room. He is sitting on the overstuffed couch. He looks up when I come in, his small smile still on his face and he pats the space next to him. I sit, glad that his expression hasn't changed from outside. Out of all the guys, it's a tie between Jimin and Hobi at who can hide their true feelings the best. He takes my hand once I sit and I place mine on top of his. "What's up?" I ask.

"Korean?" he asks. He is fluent in English, but I know he is more comfortable speaking in the native language. "Of course," I answer. His smile widens. "Are you ok?" he asks. I nod, a bit surprised at this course of conversation. I guess I shouldn't be, other than Yoon-Gi, Jimin is the one who has spent the most time with my girls and I. "I am, Jiminie. There's no need for you to worry. I have forgiven myself, I have let go of the past, accepted it, and now I am free to love Yoon-Gi the way he deserves." He tightens his grip on my hand, "Noona, this is amazing news. Everyone seems so much lighter today: Rose, Nova, Mary, hyung and you. It is so amazing to see. I hope to find love like yours and Yoon-Gi's." I smile and pat his hand. "You will, my friend. You will. Tell me though. How was Rose today? Did they speak with Sidda about it?" He nods, "Yes, the girls went for a walk, well, for about an hour honestly. I could tell they talked about some intense things because they all had been crying when they returned. Even Sidda." I let out a little snicker and nod. "Good." I look toward the backyard. "Let's go back to the others," I say, standing. He stands with me and quickly pulls me into a tight hug. "I am so relieved you are finally on your way to healing," he says. I pat his back, "Me too, Jimin. Me too." He releases me, and we walk together back into the yard.

Yoon-Gi was sitting on one of the bigger chairs around the pit with everyone else. There is soft instrumental music playing, and at least two different conversations are going on quietly. I notice that Yoon-Gi took my drink and sat it on the table next to his chair. I smirk and go to sit next to him. He automatically pulls me closer to his side. I am a bit surprised, and delighted, by the PDA. Other than holding my hand, Yoon-Gi doesn't show much affection in front of others. It's kind of nice since we have both been so reserved in our relationship. The night air is a bit cool, so I gladly lean into Yoon-Gi's side, resting my head on my shoulder. I listen to snippets of Mary, Jin, Nova, and Liam talking about the sights seen on the Beach Train earlier this week and Rose and Jimin talking about the upcoming tour. I take a deep breath and release a content sigh. I feel Yoon-Gi's arm tighten around me. I tilt my head up, refusing to move from his shoulder. He looks down at me, questions in his eyes.

I smile. "I cannot remember the last time I was this happy. I mean, I've been happy since Kayden died, mainly because of you, but the sadness always took back over. It always just moments here and there. But today, it's been one who day and no ache, no guilt, no pain," I say softly. "And now, being able to snuggle to your side in front of family and not feel awkward. Happy is not even the correct word for it. There is no word big enough to explain what I feel right now." He smiles and kisses my forehead. I notice that everyone has stopped talking. I look over and notice them all looking at us. I immediately go red. "What?" I ask the group. I look at all the different faces. Mary is smiling, such a big smile. Nova is leaning into Liam and has a smirk on her face. Liam, such a wonderful man my son-in-law is, also has a grin on his face. Jin is looking at Yoon-Gi, a small, sweet smile playing at his lips. Jimin has such a look of relief all over his face. Almost like he has been holding his breath in response to this moment. Rose has an almost shocked look on her face as if she expected me to revert at any moment. Oh, my child, always so worried. I smile widely at her, trying to convey that it is ok. Her face showed immediate relief.

"No really, I already told you all. Second honeymoon phase, it's always worse than the first. Stop looking and eavesdropping," Yoon-Gi says, a smirk on his face and one thumb lightly rubbing one side of my face. "Let's talk about something else," I suggest. "Mary, did you enjoy your trip to Korea?"

"It's been amazing. I love all the trains and being able to see all the different places. I love Sidda's farm. I could live there forever. It is so peaceful. There is a little market not far from their home, Tae took Jimin and me there while the girls were spending time together. The people were so nice and patient as they explained different things to me. I know there are not many tourists there, but they were so sweet. Tae is exactly the type of person Sidda needs to be married to. She is so serious; he makes her forget that when she gets stressed. I have never seen someone make her smile or laugh as quickly as he can. Seeing them in their home makes you look at their relationship differently. "How do you mean?" Nova asks before I can. Mary sits back a bit and explains,

"For you, Nova, I could see right away why you and Liam were a great fit. You need someone who is a lot like you in every way, but also has the intuition to know when you need to be held up, because you will never ask, and has the strength to do it, just like your mother. But for Sidda she needs someone to bring her silliness out, her childish ways if you want to look at it like that. Tae needs someone to remind him when to be serious and ground him. They are opposites of each other, but it is exactly what the other needs." I nod, having made this observation when Sidda first told me they both confessed to having feelings for each other, but were afraid they would not work out because of how different their personalities are.

"Sidda and I had a conversation something along those lines a few years ago. Tae and her were getting coffee for everyone after one of the all nighters at the company. Do you guys remember? It was right after Christmas, and you were all practicing for the New Year's Eve special. The night it hit -12 Celsius, and we were all so tired we just made a giant bed on the practice room floor? Kook and Marie had just started dating, officially anyway." "Yes, that was the night we set up that projector and watched silly stuff all night, right?" Jimin asked. I nod, sitting up a bit. "Yes. While they were walking to get our order from that little shop that used to be down on the corner Tae almost fell on the ice. I guess he like grabbed her arm and they like fell together. Now, you all know how Sidda would have reacted if that was any of us. She would have gotten so mad. But she laughed. Has she not told any of you this story?" I ask, leaning forward, my elbows on my knees. Everyone shakes their heads. "Tae told us a bit of it, but not much. I think he was in a daze when they got back honestly," Jimin says, laughing.


	16. Chapter 16

"So after they fell Tae was expecting Sidda to get angry, like normal, you know? She's always been so serious about everything. But instead she just started laughing, laying in the snow, they just laughed. Tae got up and helped her up. She said after they stood up he didn't let go of her hand, so she didn't either. They just walked together hand in hand to the coffee shop. Before they went inside Sidda said Tae turned to her and said something along the lines of, 'Sidda, I like to hold your hand and make you laugh. Would you consider going on a date with me?' When she told me that I was a bit shocked honestly. Of course, because she's my daughter, my thoughts went to age. Then I thought about myself and Yoon-Gi. How could I say anything when I'm nine years older than him?" I pause and look back at him, a small smirk on his face. "Of course, after I thought about it a bit I realized how much they balance one another," I say, turning back to everyone. Jin laughs, "They do. They are so opposite it is freaky they found each other, you know? Tae was so nervous on the day of the first date. He kept talking about fearing he'd say the wrong thing, remember?" Jin points at Yoon-Gi. I hear Yoon-Gi laugh and say, "Yes, we were all practicing the newest choreography. He kept getting confused and staring off into space. During a break I caught him talking to Jiminie on the phone. He didn't think I could hear him. He said he was not only worried about saying the wrong thing with Sidda but because he had heard me talk about how I felt about the girls dating." I lean back as Yoon-Gi leans forward, getting into the story like he likes to do.

"I remember that he sounded so scared. I was at the studio, Joon was teaching me about producing, so I couldn't come help calm him down," Jimin says. Yoon-Gi nods. "Yea. I waited until he hung up with you and then asked him to walk with me to the wardrobe room. I wish I had a picture of his face." Jin laughs, "Oh yes. I will never forget that face!" He goes into an exaggerated impersonation of different nervous faces, making all of us laugh. Yoon-Gi sits back and takes my hand.

"As we walked I asked him how he was feeling about the date," Yoon-Gi said as the laughter dies down. "He said he was so nervous he'd do or say something stupid. I remember him turning to me, looking at me with those big eyes, so nervous, and telling me that he knew he didn't think like other people and he didn't want to embarrass himself by acting that way." Yoon-Gi shakes his head at the memory. "Ah, but that's who he is!" Nova says, waving her hand. "Sidda always loved that part of Tae; she used to say she felt so relaxed around him and one of the biggest reasons is because you never knew what you were going to hear come from his mouth." There are a few nods. "Yes, that is basically what I told him. That Sidda had been around him for so long that she knew how he was. That he just needed to be himself and they would have a great time," Jimin says.

"Me too," Jin said. "It felt like an unnecessary thing to be stressed over when you know someone so well." I look at Yoon-Gi as Jin finishes his sentence, "I don't know about that. Even when you know someone really, really well going on dates can make you feel…." I stop, looking for the correct word. Yoon-Gi looks at me, "Pressure. There is a lot of pressure that surrounds officially dating someone. Especially if you are already friends." I nod, "Then add in who you all are. I know you all think about the effect your fame will have on someone you care about." Jin, Jimin and Yoon-Gi nod. "It takes a unique person to be able to handle ARMY, that is for sure," Yoon-Gi says.

"It's funny though because Sidda said the same thing to us," Nova says, looking at Rose. Rose nods, "Yea, she was so worried and was thinking that Tae might look at her in a different light. As we all know, however, they succeeded during that first date though," Rose says. We all nod. "It is the best thing to watch people fall in love, then watch them realize it. It's different when it is your children," I say, lightly rubbing my thumb along Yoon-Gi's. Everyone stays quiet for a few moments. I let the music playing fill my mind and slightly lean into Yoon-Gi's shoulder.

"Yoon-Gi, you never said what you told Tae about your feelings," Mary says, pulling us all out of our thoughts. When Yoon-Gi speaks, I hear the smile in his voice. "I didn't get to the normal, 'I'll kill you if you hurt her' thing like father normally does. I told him how much I loved Sidda, how much I loved him and how I hope they could make each other extremely happy. I told him he didn't need extra pressure of worrying about my reaction to the dating, but he needed to relax and be himself. I knew that if they both did that they would be fine. I felt they might have failed if they knew we were looking to hard," I smile. I didn't know exactly what he said to Tae, but I did know he was supportive even though he was worried. "That is almost the same talk you had with me," Liam says, smiling at Yoon-Gi. Yoon-Gi nods, "Yes. It is most effective because it is true. I think everyone understands that if you hurt my children I'll be angry, but first, it's two ways, they have the opportunity to hurt you as well. And I know these girls if they feel the need they can be very hurtful. And second, they don't need to me add pressure to their relationships when those relationships themselves have enough pressure as it is."

It never ceases to amaze me how Yoon-Gi sees the girls, how he treats them, the respect and undeniable love he has for them all. Nova smiles at Yoon-Gi, out of all the girls she was always the one who was a bit standoffish to him. She knew long before did that he had feelings for me. "Yoon-Gi," she says. "Nova," he answers. "Thank you," she says, playing with the hem of Liam's shirt. Yoon-Gi looks at her, a question in his eyes. "For being a father to us when you didn't have to. For loving our mother and us so much. For not giving up on mom. For bringing her back to us. I knew you would do that for us one day. You are the only one who could." She looks at me, and I smile. Yoon-Gi leans up a bit, "It is my pleasure, my child. You have no idea. Your family saved me just as much as I saved you all." The both bow just a bit at one another and leave it at that.

I look at my phone; it's almost eleven. "Well, my friends and family, it is getting late," I say. "Yea, it's time to get on," Jin and Jimin both say. "We need to stop by Hobi's before heading home," Jimin adds. "Naw, that's just me," Jin says. "I'll go to, hyung. We only live a few blocks from each other," Jimin says.

"We all flights in the morning too. Liam and I fly out at 10. Grandmaw, when is yours again?" Nova asks. Jin and Jimin walk toward the back gate, Jimin giving Rose a one-armed hug before she locks the gate behind them. "It's at 11," Mary answers, also standing. Mary, Nova, and Rose all bid us goodnight. "Do you need help cleaning up?" Liam asks, looking after Nova as she walks hand in hand in the house with Rose, their heads down, speaking quietly to one another. I wave him off, "No, sweetheart, go on." He smiles and follows the girls into the house. I settle myself back into my seat, sipping my drink. Yoon-Gi also sips on his drink, but he has something on his mind. "What's going on in your brain?" I ask, sitting my empty cup down. He looks at me, "I was still thinking about the night I admitted my feelings for you. It must have been, what, almost seven years ago now?" It's almost like he is asking himself. "Yea, that's right," he answers his question. "Remember the three months I spent at your old home? During the winter?" I nod, "Yes, it was the best Christmas we had since Kayden died. I was so grateful to have you there." He looks at me. "I was so grateful to be there. I needed to recharge, to refocus. I was losing who I was. I felt so much pressure to be someone the public, the fans, my family, hell even the brothers, had made me out to be. Of course, when it came to the guys, they didn't feel that way, but it's how I felt." I nod, remembering. "I remember us having so many discussions about that. I was so worried about you. Of course, I thought it was just because we were such good friends. It took me a bit to realize the depth of my concern was for a different reason." He nods, looking down.

"I came home at the end of January. We had to get ready for the next leg of that tour. I remember feeling like I was missing something. I was happier; I was working on my music more, discussing with the company using more of the songs I wrote on the upcoming album. But I felt lost. We were at the hotel in Japan when Jimin told me you were planning to visit during your birthday. He was excited because he had been wanting to do something nice for you and thought doing a small birthday party would be great. I remember his face falling as he looked at me. I am not sure what my face was showing, but it was enough to make his stop talking…


	17. Chapter 17

_About seven years ago – Yoon-Gi's POV_

"Hyung, what's wrong?" Jimin asks me quickly. "I am honestly not sure what is wrong. I feel happy and angry and tired all at once," I admit. I turn from Jimin and start walking toward the door of my room. I hear Jimin walking beside me. "What do you need, hyung?" I shake my head. Why did hearing the news of Leigh's visit make my heart race? She's a good friend of us all. I did have a great time over the holidays with her and her family, along with a few of the guys. I have always found spending time with Leigh very calming and comforting. "Nothing, Jimin," I say, unlocking my door and stepping in. I go to close it behind me, but Jimin stops me. I see Joon close behind, looking a bit confused. I don't even remember him being with us as we started talking about the visit. "What?" I say a bit more aggressive than I mean it to be. They both raise their eyebrows. I'm normally pretty abrasive, but even I am shocked at the tone. I look down, "Sorry, I am not sure what that was about. I am having trouble sorting my feelings right now. My thoughts."

"It's ok, we all have times like that," Joon says. "Can we come in and help you sort it out?" Jimin asks. I shrug, "Sure." I turn and walk into the room. I hear a soft click as the door closes. I lay my bag on my bed and sit down. Jimin sits next to me as Joon pulls the desk chair over to sit in front of me. I look at them both. "Did something happen during the show?" Joon asks. I shake my head, but Jimin answers, "No, he was acting normal until I checked my messages. I got a message from Rose saying they are planning on visiting for Leigh's birthday. She wants to try to plan a small birthday party for her Leigh." Joon sits back and crosses his arms. "Yoon-Gi, do you not want Leigh and the girls to visit? Leigh has been so good to us; I love it when she comes here. It's almost like we can return the hospitality she has always shown us." I nod, "No, I want her to come. I have missed her and her children very much since we left her home last month. I think I got so used to the sense of calm I feel around her that it has been a bit tough to readjust to our normal routine. Being at her home helped me refocus on me and my music though." I rub my hands together and furrow my brow. Joon has a smirk on his face like he's just waiting for me to say something more. I glance at Jimin and notice his face mimics Joon's. I feel like I am missing out on a joke. "What? Why those faces?" I ask. The smiles grow bigger. Jimin places one hand on my knee. "Hyung, when are you going to admit your feelings to yourself?" My heart pounds and I feel my face flush. I quickly stand and start pulling my things out of my bag and organizing them on the table close to the bed. "I don't know what you are talking about." Of course, I do. I feel it with every cell in my body.

"Yoon-Gi, why deny it?" Joon asks, helping me place my things on my table the way I like them organized. I sigh and place both hands on the desk and close my eyes. "Hyung, we've all seen the changes in you since the vacation was over," Joon continues. I slightly so much shake my head. "Yoon-Gi, I think you are hurting yourself more by keeping it in. Trying to hide your feelings," Jimin says. I turn and look at them both.

"Brothers, I cannot allow myself to love her," I whisper. Jimin's face looks like he just got slapped, while Joon hangs his head. "Why not?" Jimin demands, going slightly red, immediately on the defensive. "Leigh is an amazing person. She has helped us through all our difficulties over the past five years, even after losing her husband. Yoon-Gi, you and Joon convinced her to come home after she thought she could not raise her children alone. She's already family. I don't understand." Jimin looks down, "Well, she's family to me. Like a big sister." I lean back on the table. "Jimin, I know how much she has done for us. I have considered her a great friend for more than four years now. Not just because of what she does for us. She so much fun when she lets her guard down. She doesn't feel the need to fill the silence with endless chatter. Her whole presence does something to my soul. I know…" I look at Joon. He nods, "Go on. Say whatever it is."

I sit back on the bed next to Jimin. "We all have expectations. We all have who and what we think we are looking for. I have always wanted a nice, petite Korean woman. Someone raised in our customs, someone to give me a son. The media, the company, ARMY, my family. They will expect and want me to find someone like that once I decide to start a family. How will it look if I date an American woman, nine years my senior, who has three daughters, one of which is only ten years younger than me? And we all know she could not carry me a child. And all of this would be only IF she feels this way about me." I put my head in my hands, tears unwillingly escaping from my eyes. I think not knowing if she has feelings for me is worse than anything else I said. "Then take the guilt she will have if she does have feelings for me. She loves Kayden so much; she would never let herself love someone else. How can I fight that kind of love and devotion? Why would I want to? Why make her go through that pain?" Jimin rubs my back while Joon comes back to the chair.

"What are you going to do? What can we do to help?" Joon asks. "Do you need distance, is that why the trip is making you anxious?" I shake my head. "No, the thought of seeing her face again makes my heart race. I have been looking forward to it since we left Arizona. I just thought I'd have more time. I was expecting her to come in May, for Sidda's birthday, like she normally does. I figured I'd get over it by then."

"Hyung, she's talking about moving to Seoul. I mean, it's a big town, but she works with us…." Jimin says. "Wait, what? When did she start talking about moving? She mentioned it in passing, but she was joking with JK at the time." I ask. My mind races. Would I get to see her every day? Do I want to see her every day? Jimin shrugs and looks back at his phone. "Rose says she was talking to a realtor yesterday about apartments in Seoul." My mind starts buzzing as it does sometimes when I am trying to focus on too many things. I hear a notification from my phone, but one from Joon's as well. He has his in hand; mine is on the table. He looks down for a moment, skimming the message. I am desperately hoping it is just a change in our meeting time tomorrow to head home. I glance at the clock next to the bed. It is already almost one am. "It's Leigh," Joon says. My eyes immediately snap to his. "She was wondering if we were still awake to talk." I shake my head. "It's ok. We can pretend we are asleep and message her tomorrow. She said it was not urgent." He puts his phone down, concern in his eyes. "Hyung….you know what you have to do." Jimin looks between us, "What?" he asks. Joon smiles at him as I look down. I don't want to hear this. "First, he has to admit it. To himself, to us, if he feels comfortable. Eventually, you'll have to say the words. Second, he has to prepare to see Leigh because, well, all work together. She'll be back on tour with us when it picks up again, like normal. Then, he has to tell her. No matter what the outcome." I feel sudden anger swell up inside me. How did I let this happen? I clench my fists and look back at Joon, "No. I won't." I stand up and start walking back and forth down the length of my room. "This is not the plan, Joon. I wanted to wait longer to fall in love. I wanted someone who resembled Suran or IU, I wanted…" Joon stands up and grabs my shoulders, interrupting my pacing and ranting. "It doesn't matter what you think you want. The universe gives you what you need when it comes to love. You need Leigh, and she needs you." I shake my head, tears flowing freely. Pain, happiness, confusion, anger. Joon holds me at arm's length for a few moments, trying to catch my eye. When he realizes I am not doing that he pulls me into a hug. I feel Jimin come over and he joins the hug. "Hyung. This is not a sad thing," he says. "This is beautiful. You know, you are the only one who can get Leigh to laugh without trying? She smiles more with you, especially when she thinks no one is paying attention and she lets her guard down." I smile slightly and step back, wiping the tears on the back of my hand. "Yea?" I don't know why this calms me down. "Yea, did you not know? Rose said her and her sisters have been talking about it. How grateful they were for our visit, but mainly for you and how you quietly cared for Leigh, well for all of them. Rose said it was so peaceful while you were there because Leigh was more a peace. I guess you two do that for each other." He looks down as Joon passes me a tissue. I snicker, "Tears?" I say to myself. "They also say they are afraid that she will never remarry, never find happiness again because of her devotion to Kayden. It's their biggest fear as daughters."


	18. Chapter 18

Those words seal it for me. I refuse to let her be unhappy forever. I look from Joon to Jimin and find myself saying, "I am in love with Leigh." They both smile, but I stand with my mouth hanging open. Those words were not on my plans for the night.

I sigh and say, "Yes, well. I've admitted it to myself and told you two. Now I prepare." I walk past them and go into the bathroom. I wash my face and rejoin them, picking up my phone on the way. I check my messages; there are a few about work, one from my mother and the group text from Leigh, along with one she sent to just me. It simply said, "Message when you get this." I take a breath and answer the group text, 'I was just washing up after the concert. What do you need? Is everyone ok?' Joon looks at me, surprised. "What? I have to deal with it. We would never ignore her messages; I will not change that now just because I've said how I feel about her. No matter how she feels, I will always be here for her and the girls. Always." Jimin smiles and lightly punches my arm. "You want to know a secret?" I just raise my eyebrow. "Jimin, now might not be the time for jokes…." Joon warns. "It's not a joke, it's the truth," Jimin pouts. I roll my eyes, "What is it?"

"We already knew you loved Leigh." I half smile, "And here I thought I was good at hiding my feelings." I sigh. I am not; normally they are plastered all over my face, no matter what the words that come out of my mouth are. "Of course, you all knew. You are my brothers. You'd always be able to see such a change. Just like we did with Hoesok." They both nod. A small sound signals a reply. 'Can I call or video chat? I'm cooking. Is anyone else with you?' Her message reads. Instead of replying I push the video chat button. "Hyung!" Jimin says. I shrugged, waiting for her to pick up. As the call is going through I, hear a light knock at the door. "I'll check, expecting anything?" Joon asks. "No. I ate a few things before leaving the venue," I call, looking back toward him. I see him open the door and am a bit surprised to see Jungkook standing there. He seems equally surprised that Joon answered the door.

"Well, I guess it's good you are eating. But was it junk food, Min Yoon-Gi?" I hear Leigh say. I quickly turn around and see her smiling into her camera. She's baking. She has flour on her shirt, and I hear the light hum of her mixer in the background. I smile in response. Baking is something she loved to do before Kayden died, but she stopped for a long time. She would only bake on special occasions. But lately, the girls said she has been baking just for fun again. "It wasn't exactly junk, Leigh. It was ramen," I answer. She snorts, "You boys and your ramen. Who's with you? I hear voices." She picks up her phone as she flips off the mixer. I hold the phone up to show the room, Jimin, Joon and Jungkook wave. "Leigh!" Jimin says, "I miss you, noona!" She smiles at that. "I miss you too Jimin. I'll see you soon." "Hey Leigh, are you well? Is anything wrong?" Joon asks. I see her shake her head, "Not really. A few things I wanted to ask and say really. We are fine, thank you." She looks behind her and says off-screen in English, "I was able to get ahold of a few of the guys, yes. Hang on and let me talk to them. They have to get rest, it's, what, 1 am there?" she asks, turning back to the screen. I nod. "Yes, we are winding down from the concert," I answer. I see Sidda come up behind her mother, curious at who is on the screen. "Hey bros," she says, waving. She doesn't wait for a reply before she moves out of frame.

"Leigh, what's up?" Joon asks. "Well, I know that you guys must know by now that I am planning on coming for my birthday this year. I know Rose wants to try to plan something. I'm not going to stop her, of course, but, Jimin, I am specifically talking to you, keep it small. Please," she says. Jimin looks a bit taken aback, but nods, "Of course, noona. I would hate for you to be uncomfortable at your birthday celebrations." She smiles at him. I cannot tear my eyes away from her face. It's almost like I have to memorize every angle. I love it when she's got her hair pulled up in a messy bun while she is baking. She pushes her glasses back up on her nose. "Thank you," she says. "I also need a favor; then there is one work thing. The favor is can you guys please help me find an apartment in Seoul? I've been trying to work with a realtor, but it's not going well. You all know me so well that you know what would suit us." She pauses, looking over the phone, probably at Sidda, worry in her eyes. "Momma, it's ok. We've talked about it." Leigh looks back at the phone, "It's time for me, for us, I guess to move on. The girls support me in moving to Seoul. I've already started the paperwork." I smile and look back at everyone. They are all smiling, Kookie looks a bit distracted, but pleased and surprised by the news. "Noona," he says, "I am so excited you will be closer to us. Of course, we will help you find a suitable place. Big kitchen, four bedrooms, office, right?" She smiles at the youngest and nods. "You got us pegged, my friend." I see that Joon is already looking for places. "You'll need office space for your practice, too, right?" he asks. "Yes, yes. I still have to start on that paperwork though," she says, writing herself a note on her refrigerator. "Hang on guys; I have to get this out of the oven." She sits her phone down and bends out of sight. "I'm going to bed," Jimin says. "Good night." He gives me a quick, worried glance and I nod. "Bye, noona!" he says louder. "Good night, Jiminie!" I hear Leigh say from just off camera. She hurries back and picks up her phone. He blows her a kiss and leaves. "Leigh, do you need me for the work things?" Joon asks, preoccupied with rental listings. He steps off camera and asks me if I need anything. I slightly shake my head as Leigh answers, "No, Joon. It's fine. Good night, get some rest. Stop looking at listings." He steps back in frame and smiles. "We have time now." He nods, "Talk to you tomorrow?" he asks. I nod, and Leigh says, "Yep." I turn my attention back to the screen, but I feel Kookie come up behind me. "What did you make?" I ask, distracted for a moment by the shape of her lips when she is thinking. Her full bottom lip puckers out with a bit. "Double Chocolate Chunk Brownies and Mini Shepard Pies. I still have to put on the mashed potatoes," she says, smiling. "Well, I guess it is good it is just you two now," she says, walking away from the kitchen. I can tell she is going into her office, which is where she goes when it's time to work. I hear a slight click as she closes the door behind her. "Yoon-Gi," she says, sitting in her desk chair, "I was talking to Kookie a bit ago. I told him to come to you. Kookie?" She says. I turn to him. "What's wrong, JK?" I ask, looking at him. He seems a bit defeated. "Hyung, I think I am having a hard time. I just feel….." he says, looking around. I know that look. He's got something that's bothering him; he might not even know what it is. "It's ok. I just had to deal with a few things that were bothering me earlier, we all have times like that." I turn back to Leigh. "What do we need to do?" She smiles. "Well, for tonight, just be the amazing big brother you are. I am catching the jet out in…," she checks her watch. "20sih minutes. I'll be landing almost the same time you all do." My heart starts to race. "You are coming tomorrow?" She nods, a confused look on her face. "Yes, we need to be sure Kookie is healthy enough to continue the tour. I'll be in Seoul for the three days between shows to be sure." I force a smile, remembering that not only do I have a part to play, but my brother needs me. "Great, I look forward to seeing you," I say. She smiles, but I can tell she is still a bit confused from what she sees on my face. "Jungkook," she says. "Tell Yoon-Gi what you told me. Don't worry; we'll figure it all out. I promise." He smiles at her; just those words make him relax a bit. "Ok, noona. Safe travels and thank you so much." I hang up and put my phone down. Heart still pounding at the thought of seeing Leigh tomorrow.

I look at Jungkook; his mind is occupied. "JK, what's going on?" I ask, nudging his leg. He looks at me, his eyes wide, "I am not sure," he says. "I feel…. uncertain about everything right now, I guess. I don't think I am doing well enough in the shows. I just don't feel like I am living up to everyone's expectations anymore." I nod, listening. "I feel this way often," I tell him. He looks at me, surprises on his face. "Really?" I snicker, "And here I thought you all knew how I feel all the time. Yes, Jungkook, everyone doubts themselves. Especially when you are in the spotlight like we are." He looks down. "Jungkook," I say, "Listen to me. You are not letting anyone down. You are the most consistent performer in the group, hell, that I have ever encountered. But I understand that sometimes you tell yourself one thing enough and it becomes true in your mind." He nods. "I'm not sure how to make myself feel believe it anymore." I think for a few moments. "How about, after you talk to Leigh, we watch the VCR of this concert." His eyes brighten a bit. "The one we just finished?" I shrug. "You know they will be editing it tomorrow. It'll show you your consistency." He sits, silent for a few moments. "Ok, hyung. I think that might help." He looks at me. "I am so glad Leigh we be here too. Do you think she'll watch it with us?" I smile, I know it's a sad smile, but I can't help it. I am so conflicted at what to do next when it comes to Leigh. Jungkook's eyes narrow so I quickly answer, "Yes, you know she will." That doesn't smooth his expression, "You said earlier you had to deal with a few things that have been bothering you. What's wrong?" I sigh, how did I let the conversation get directed to me? "Nothing is wrong. I just had to admit something to myself. Now I have to decide on my next step." He stands up. "Oh, you admitted you're in love with noona Leigh? No wonder you looked so panicked when she said she'd see us tomorrow. It's about time." He shifts his weight onto one leg as he continues. "I watched it happen. I saw the moment you realized it."


	19. Chapter 19

I shake my head at that statement. "What?" He sighs, "It was Christmas night. We were all in Leigh's living room, next to the fireplace. Leigh's brothers and sister were still there. All of us were playing that card game while you and Leigh sat on the couch talking to each other. You'd talk about music; she'd talk about cooking. It was one of those times that she was effortlessly calm and happy, I think. I know you had both been drinking, so you were making jokes with each other about your passions. I was happy to see you so distressed, but I was surprised as to how happy I was to see Leigh like that. Anyway, she reached over and swiped your hair out of your face. She said she knew how much you didn't like it. I am not sure what happened next, but Leigh said something about going to bed. I know she had suddenly gone red. As she walked out of the room, I saw something in your face. Almost like you wished you could go with her. Your eyes showed so much concern. I knew then. I think you realized it then too." I stare at him. He gets a bit impatient. "Just because I enjoy having fun doesn't mean I don't see, hyung. I probably see more than you all know. I like to observe."

"No, Jungkook, you have it wrong. I know how much you see, it's just that I remember that moment. I did want to follow her. I knew I cared deeply for her already but having her touch me out of the blue like that. I caught me off guard. It did her too; I think because she immediately dropped her eyes and said she was tired." Jungkook sits back next to me. I turn to him, his face is so patient, waiting for me to continue. "I knew what she was going to do. I knew she would go upstairs and cry because of her heartbreak for Kayden. I wanted to go with her so bad. I wanted to hold her and tell her it was alright, to cry and I'll be there to help her. I was extremely grateful that her daughters noticed and followed quickly afterward. Marie too." I smile a sad smile. "It wasn't the point I knew I loved her, but damn boy, it was close." He smiles, but the smile is sad. "Well, let me admit something that has been bothering me too." Stands, clearly ready to leave once he makes this confession. "I think I might be in love with Marie," he says. "Thank you for your help, I'll see you in the morning." I watch him walk out of my door.

Present Day – Leigh's POV

"Oh, Kookie. That was before he asked us not to call him that anymore. First, it was JK, now Jungkook. I miss calling him Kookie," I say. "But I don't understand, why are you embarrassed or upset by that memory?" While he was lost in his memories, I stretched out into his lap, my legs hanging over the arm of the chair. He looks down at me; his eyes are a bit startled. "I said that I didn't want to be in love with you. I said it to my brothers. I was almost mad at myself for allowing it. I just do not feel good about that," he says, fiddling with my hair. I shrug. "That is not something to be ashamed of, at all. Everyone has an idea of what they want, an ideal type and personality. An idea of what your life will be like. Do you think I didn't have a similar reaction the over those next few days in Korea? Of course, as you know, I kept those thoughts for longer than needed. But I think it's a natural reaction when something takes you off guard like that." I look down, taking the hand he has laying on my stomach. "I don't know how or when it hit you, well, now I know about when it hit you, but, for me, it hit me the next day. Remember when you and Jungkook met me at the company?" I feel him nod, so I keep lightly tracing the veins on his hand. "After Jungkook and I talked out his worries he went to the Golden Studio. I sat in the conference room for a long time, looking at all the things hanging in there. I swear, being here was the most peaceful thing for me. Anyway, I saw you walk by. I knew you brought Jungkook to meet me, but you didn't come with him into the room. I remember feeling so many things at that moment. I was so relieved to see you in person after those few months. I had gotten so used to your presence that I naturally calmed down when you were near. My heart started fluttering; I caught myself longing for you to come in and hug me, or take my hand like you did when I was having a difficult moment those times you happen to be there for them. I remember sighing so hard that I was taken back by it." I giggle. "It was in that moment, right before you walked in when you were standing at the door talking to Chan, that I knew. I felt it take over every part of my body." I sit up, looking at Yoon-Gi. "So much emotion took over. I let myself stay in that moment, feel those feelings, for the rest of the day. I didn't get angry with myself until I was back at the hotel for that night." He smiles in response. "But did you say, out loud, that you could not allow it? That I was not what you wanted?" I tilt my head to the side, raising my eyebrow. "Actually, I did. In your story, you, what, shed some tears, got a bit frustrated? I threw things. I yelled. Ask Joon; he was there to witness it." His eyebrows raise for that at that piece of information, "Really? He was with us both when we confessed?" I nod, "Apparently. But, I gave him the bulk of the problems. I almost hit him with my comb when I threw it across the room. To be fair, I didn't know he had moved; my back was to him. The point is, no matter how we reacted to admitting our feelings for each other, here we are. This is what matters." I lean forward, taking his face in my hands. "Us, here and now. This is what is important. We all do things we regret. But we are here, you and me, happy, healthy and together." His eyes search mine for a few moments and then she smiles. "I guess it is my turn to feel guilty for no good reason?" I snicker, letting go of his face and lean back. "I guess so. Yoon-Gi, I promise you, your reaction to loving me doesn't matter to me. The fact that you never gave up and are still here with me that is what matters." He smiles. "You are right. I don't know why that night has been on my mind today. Let's get some rest?" he asks. I nod, a bit grateful. He takes my hand, and we head in the house, up to our bedroom.


End file.
